If you have read the blog post that I publishedStarbucks in order to pay off my insurance debt and keep the blogs and podcasts alive.

If you know me for like 5 minutes, you should be able to tell that I am a super emotional young woman. So, I was very upset last night and mentally and physically drained. My eye-side got suddenly really bad (must have been the nerves), I couldn’t eat and I was just frustrated with the situation and with myself.

Was I concentrating too much on the bad and less on the good? After all, I was lucky enough to had gotten a job at all in an economy that is less than friendly these days.

Should I have focused more on the fact that not all days of the week would be blocked, keeping me from pursuing my passion, and that there’d still be time to write and podcast?

Should I have remembered my initial excitement after having been given this new opportunity?

Yes, I probably should have, but then, I would not have told the truth. After all, last night, I simply felt bad. There was no point in denying it and no way of not sharing it with you.

Well, OK, I take that back. I could have simply kept if offline, sparing you from my rant. But this blog is about real life, my real life, and this phase is part of it. You get it all, the good, the bad and sometimes the slightly annoying.

After I had written the post, I felt a bit better, a bit clearer, a bit more motivated, but the night turned out to be yet another sleepless one (and I haven’t experienced those in months).

I was anxious, a feeling that I hadn’t felt for a long time either, and I thought of the sheer excitement and vibrance that I had development since the day I was fired. As I was laying there, in those long moments, I could not connect to that feeling at all.

So, I had revealing conversations with my husband, both last night and early this morning. His point was clear from the beginning: while he was proud of me for going ahead in order to finally pay off the debt, he did not think it was the right move at this point.

He wanted me to be more creative, patient (yup, this is one of my strongest weaknesses) and be completely committed to running my own business without being sidetracked by  something else.

Having his support and, yes, it has to be said, his pay-check, gave me all the security I needed to admit that I had made a mistake, that I had wasted everyone’s time (including my mom’s) and that I needed to turn this around right away.

And it was a good decision, one that my body and my psyche will forever thank me for. I don’t have words to describe the physical state I am in today. It’s like my life was sucked out of me yesterday. And I realize how stupid, lazy and spoiled this sounds.

But the work was intense (I worked for the store at the Zurich main station and it was a completely different game than I had known), I was not able to have a single sip of water or breathe for a moment.

At the same time, I still could not allow myself to eat more in order to prepare myself for a busy day that was inevitably hard on my body. As free as I am, my eating disorder still occupies some powerful and limiting areas of my life. Having a regular structure and eating certain (although sufficient) amounts of food still is an area that is constantly being fought over.

So yes, I still am somewhat fragile and I have to honor that fact and take care of myself. After all, it has only been about a year since I even started my walk to health and full recovery takes much longer than that.

One of the key questions I asked myself last night was whether I was more committed to money or to my life? The question is obvious and I know that I am in the lucky position to not have to compromise my recovery. Not everybody is that lucky and I realize it.

But since I have this somewhat privileged position, I will not go back to work for Starbucks and today.

You might ask yourself, why on earth I hadn’t thought of all of these aspects before deciding to apply for a job again. Well, I often act on impulse (another characteristic I should be working on) and I don’t always think about the possible effects it might have on so many aspects of my life.

At the same time, I wanted not to depend on blogging as a means for financial success because readers can always tell if someone is desperate for their money or not. I wanted my blogs to remain my creative outlets that aren’t spoiled by the weight of insurance debt.

Starbucks was there, it was convenient. They had offered to always take me back and all I did was give them a call. It was easy, no tiring application process to go through and a work process I already knew in and out. The work could also be really fun if the team was right and the atmosphere upbeat and positive. At least, that is what I remembered from my last experience.

But why did it feel different yesterday?

Maybe it was because I am in a different place than I was a few months ago. Maybe it was because I had sampled the waters of freedom now and knew how invigorating they were.  Or maybe it was because I had found my purpose in life, something that I had always dreamed of.

I needed to have fresher, closer look at the fact that my life had developed into spheres that have always seemed unachievable and maybe that was the reason I did all these stupid actions in the first place.

However, now that I am smarter, a bit wiser and a lot more sleep-deprived than before, I know much clearer where I am headed and I treasure this gift that I was given even more.

I should’ve listened to my hubby from the very beginning (oooooh, if only he’d read my blog…), but I needed to make my own mistake and fall on my own nose before I would admit that this plan was the wrong one for me.

Now, I am not giving up on paying off my treatment debt on my own and I know that I will be able to do that sooner than I think. But I will remain within the lines of honoring my body and the stage of recovery that I am currently in. Also, I will never compromise my purpose again.

The next steps for me? I will relax, read a book, savor the day and wait for my eye-sight and my body temperature to normalize themselves again, so that I can attack my future with all my energy and my alertness.

In other words, I will be enormously lazy.