When Your Life Revolves Around Your Scale

I’ve been getting Facebook reminders of
how miserable I used to be.

of the pain I used to feel.

of the heartache I used to experience.

Years ago.
In another life.
The life that was solely focused on food
on my body
on calories
on not gaining weight.

The life that revolved around my scale
the daily number
I saw
that determined my worthiness
my day
my level of joy.

I’ve been getting Facebook reminders of
the days that were dark
and gloomy

full of tears
the terror within
self-made misery.

Those memories of another life
cut deep
because I don’t think about those times
anymore.

There’s no room for looking back
remembering
a life that was void
focused solely on fat grams
and numbers
numbers
numbers

always counting

in my head
no room
for friends
for a life
for anything but

my scale
workouts
no food

too little food
too much food

cheat days
followed by weeks of dieting
followed by cheat days
followed by guilt

oh the guilt
and the shame

of
what?

“Giving in” to hunger
biology
my body?

That has always been doing everything to keep me alive?

At my lowest weight
At my highest weight
All those times where my weight went up and down
and up and down
and up and down

All those tears
All those dark, dark days

just to not get big?

And I don’t even know if that was the reason.
I don’t even remember the reason
for all the pain.

Was it to stay skinny?
Was it to be in control?

Or – most likely –
was it to keep the pain at bay?

The misery
that was swirling inside
and couldn’t be allowed
to be unleashed.

Today, that pain is still there at times.
I still remember my fear of my brother.
I am still scared of him.

How could I not be?

But I don’t hide behind food anymore.
I don’t hide behind not eating.
I don’t control my pain
by spending 4 hours at the gym.

I don’t allow myself to not allow emotions.

I cry when I need to.
I get support when I feel like I’m falling apart.

And I freaking work on myself.

Every day in every way.

I get up, I journal, I breathe.

I am choosing LIFE every day.

I am choosing to FACE what I couldn’t face before.

I am choosing to BE HERE instead of slowly retreating into a body that’s just getting smaller and smaller every day.

And the reward is magic.
Pure and glorious magic.

It’s the body I wasn’t supposed to have.
It’s the clients I work with who have turned into soulmate friends.
It’s the inspiration I can follow because I have the energy and mental capacity to actually concentrate on anything but food.
It’s the books I have written.
It’s the programs I have created.
It’s the freedom I experience due to the work I have put in.

And so when I get those reminders,
I am sad for the girl that used to be so very miserable.

I am heartbroken for her.

But I cannot relate to her anymore.

I don’t remember
fully
in my body
what it’s like to be hungry 24/7 and then so stuffed that I felt sick.

I don’t remember
fully
in my body
what it’s like to be so scared of food that all I did was think about it.

I don’t remember
fully
in my body
what it’s like to feel so ashamed of my body, of the skin I was born in.

I don’t remember
what it’s like to be so shy
to never speak up
to always feel like I am never going to be good enough.

I don’t remember because I live another life.

A life that’s built on tons of internal work.
On coaching.
On self-coaching.
On journaling.
On my willingness to let go and step up.

On work.

And here’s the thing:

Most of that work has gone unnoticed.
Nobody ever patted me on the back and told me how great I was doing.

Most of YOUR work will go unnoticed too.
Hardly anybody will tell you how great a job you’re doing.

And it doesn’t matter.

Because – in the end –
I hope you’re doing it for yourself.

That’s what I did.

I wanted to live.
I wanted to be free.
I wanted to stop making my body my life.

I didn’t do it for my ex-husband.
Not for my mom.
Not for THEM.

I put in the work

every day
in every way
because I believed that I had a life to live.

A future to experience.
An impact to make.

I believed in myself.

Not every day.
There were plenty of dark days.
Fat days.
Miserable days.

But I went on
because I knew I had a better life ahead of me.

A life that was as magical as the lives others lived.
And even though I believed deep down
that I wasn’t worthy of magic,
I wanted it.

Oh how much I wanted to be carefree
and at ease with myself and my body.

And so even if your work will go unnoticed –

which it will
because nobody can know the pain you’re in
the massive effort you’re putting forth
the internal transformation you’re undertaking
now
and for the rest of your life –

do THE WORK.

Don’t shy away from it.
Don’t get sulky.
Don’t stop.

And continue walking your path.
Continue taking the baby steps that are so worth taking.

When resistance comes knocking at the door –

Choose to continually show up.

Do the work again.
And again.
And again.

Until you’re at the point where you can’t even remember the pain
the fear
the terror
you used to experience

because of calories
your body
food.

Choose to show up for yourself.

The way I did
and still do.

Every day.
In every way.

And you’ll soon see that there’s no other way but to grow
to burn through the ring of fire
of your own limiting beliefs
destructive patterns
and fearful thoughts.

That’s the way it works.
It did for me.
It will for you.

Are you ready?

Well, it doesn’t matter.
Even if you’re not.

Show up.
Show up.
Show the fuck up.

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