I saw this super cute young couple at the beach: totally in love, cuddling on the beach, intertwined, ALL over each other.
They’re in love – obviously.
And it’s beautiful – obviously.
And it got me thinking about my ex and I lying on the beach in Italy 2 years ago, seemingly just as in love, just as intertwined, just as all over each other.
Kissing, looking into each other’s eyes with baby Johann crawling around in the sand.
Picture perfect little family.
Picture perfect couple in love.
Only it wasn’t picture perfect.
Only we weren’t a happy family.
Only I was feeling empty and hollow.
Only I was in my head the entire time.
Only it felt like nothing,
lots and lots of nothing.
Melted into lots and lots of everything.
We had it all.
I had it all.
And I lost it.
I used to miss it.
I used to cry over it.
I used to want it back.
Not him, just.
The “someone”.
The feeling of belonging.
The picture perfect little family.
And then I open my eyes,
and I’m so glad we didn’t settle.
I’m so glad we fought and fought and fought until we just couldn’t take it anymore.
We weren’t a good fit.
And I loved him.
I’m grateful to have had him.
But that picture perfect little family never existed.
Don’t we do that so often in life?
Pretend that something is real when we all know that it’s all just a total scam?
That we’re all just lying to ourselves,
making it all up?
That picture perfect smile?
That “Hell yes I am doing GREAT” but really I am slowly dying inside?
That “I made this choice and I am so happy with it” but really I just want to make another decision and run into the opposite direction, never looking back?
Feels like most of us do it all of our lives –
to feel secure
to make others proud
make them happy
to have something instead of “nothing”.
But what if “nothing” is better than EVERYTHING?
What if nothing is better than having it all,
only it all being not what your heart wants?
How are you trying to hold on to everything –
the body you’re forcing into a shape that’s hurting your every cell
the relationship with food that seems so clean and healthy but that’s tearing you apart
the relationship that is not meant to be –
only to avoid the nothing that, really, is calling you?
Because, we all know, the nothing, really, is not what’s killing us deep inside.
You know, too, don’t you?
