me

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

― Portia NelsonThere’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

Yup, I did it again.

I walked down that street. I restricted, compared, ignored hunger and satiation and tried to force myself to eat a certain way. Ed’s been with me, loud and clear, on my travels across Europe and the US. He whispered sweetly in my ear, telling me of all the wonders of life with him, all the freedom of being thin and, most of all, all the happiness of looking empty, hollow and void.

It’s nothing new. He’s often there, but this time, I listened.

You’re probably rolling your eyes, saying: Really? Again?

And I hear you.

I should know better and I do.

I should be wiser and I am.

I should feel stronger and most of the time I do.

But sometimes, I’m scared.

I’m scared of the next step, the next leap of faith, the next breakthrough in my journey to freedom. I’m scared that if I let go completely, I’m on my own. I’m out in the open with a body that’s beautiful, but different, a hunger that’s sometimes ravenous, sometimes still and a personality that’s mine, but insecure and timid. I’m in the ring, no fences up.

Of course, that’s no excuse.

Whenever we begin to take responsibility for our own life and health, we are forced to make a lot of changes. We face our inner demons. We work with a lot of fears. We grow. We let go. But then, often, we begin to get stuck again. Old habits sneak up on us. Old beliefs take over our mind. Life happens and BAM we’re back at Square One.

Or that’s how it feels. Deep down, we know that we’re much further along. We’re more aware, our eyes wide open, but it doesn’t matter because we do it again. We restrict. We binge. We purge. We let our thoughts abuse us, hurt us and take us down. Obsessive behaviors change, evolve, but we’re unhappy, tired and in chains.

But surely, this time, whatever we do, however we try to fix our life, will actually work. This will make us happy. Finally. And so we try and walk down that road every single day, but the hole is still there, the emptiness, fear, anger and pain have never left. And as long as we continue to ignore our pain and stubbornly, idiotically and awarely do what we’ve always done, our inner world will be what it’s always been: void at best, screaming in agony at worst.

Here’s the truth

“Life’s a fickle bitch.” – Benjamin Linus, Lost

Life is messy. It hurts. It’s scary, challenging and, no matter what you do, completely unpredictable. It’s normal to want to feel safe, to walk down that familiar road. It’s understandable to numb yourself, use a crutch to deal with the fear of being human, of being alive. It’s handy and it works. For a while.

But life is also beautiful, fun, exciting and crazily, thrillingly uncertain. Yet, you’ll never notice this side of being human if you don’t go with it, don’t let yourself feel the fear of the unknown, the thrill of the new. You’ll never feel the freedom of being you if you don’t accept that life has ups and downs, twists and turns. You’ll never experience the beauty of the valleys and the view from the top if you don’t change direction and walk down that other road.

I am ready to change.

I am done with meal plans, fixed eating times, strict food rules and the ever-present, abusive monster in my mind.

I’m done with feast and famine and listening to Ed.

I’m ready to see what’s on the other side, a side with food that I like and exercise that I love.

I am ready to be fully alive, fully free.

Are you with me?

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