“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.”
― Portia Nelson, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery
Yup, I did it again.
I walked down that street. I restricted, compared, ignored hunger and satiation and tried to force myself to eat a certain way. Ed’s been with me, loud and clear, on my travels across Europe and the US. He whispered sweetly in my ear, telling me of all the wonders of life with him, all the freedom of being thin and, most of all, all the happiness of looking empty, hollow and void.
It’s nothing new. He’s often there, but this time, I listened.
You’re probably rolling your eyes, saying: Really? Again?
And I hear you.
I should know better and I do.
I should be wiser and I am.
I should feel stronger and most of the time I do.
But sometimes, I’m scared.
I’m scared of the next step, the next leap of faith, the next breakthrough in my journey to freedom. I’m scared that if I let go completely, I’m on my own. I’m out in the open with a body that’s beautiful, but different, a hunger that’s sometimes ravenous, sometimes still and a personality that’s mine, but insecure and timid. I’m in the ring, no fences up.
Of course, that’s no excuse.
Whenever we begin to take responsibility for our own life and health, we are forced to make a lot of changes. We face our inner demons. We work with a lot of fears. We grow. We let go. But then, often, we begin to get stuck again. Old habits sneak up on us. Old beliefs take over our mind. Life happens and BAM we’re back at Square One.
Or that’s how it feels. Deep down, we know that we’re much further along. We’re more aware, our eyes wide open, but it doesn’t matter because we do it again. We restrict. We binge. We purge. We let our thoughts abuse us, hurt us and take us down. Obsessive behaviors change, evolve, but we’re unhappy, tired and in chains.
But surely, this time, whatever we do, however we try to fix our life, will actually work. This will make us happy. Finally. And so we try and walk down that road every single day, but the hole is still there, the emptiness, fear, anger and pain have never left. And as long as we continue to ignore our pain and stubbornly, idiotically and awarely do what we’ve always done, our inner world will be what it’s always been: void at best, screaming in agony at worst.
Here’s the truth
“Life’s a fickle bitch.” – Benjamin Linus, Lost
Life is messy. It hurts. It’s scary, challenging and, no matter what you do, completely unpredictable. It’s normal to want to feel safe, to walk down that familiar road. It’s understandable to numb yourself, use a crutch to deal with the fear of being human, of being alive. It’s handy and it works. For a while.
But life is also beautiful, fun, exciting and crazily, thrillingly uncertain. Yet, you’ll never notice this side of being human if you don’t go with it, don’t let yourself feel the fear of the unknown, the thrill of the new. You’ll never feel the freedom of being you if you don’t accept that life has ups and downs, twists and turns. You’ll never experience the beauty of the valleys and the view from the top if you don’t change direction and walk down that other road.
I am ready to change.
I am done with meal plans, fixed eating times, strict food rules and the ever-present, abusive monster in my mind.
I’m done with feast and famine and listening to Ed.
I’m ready to see what’s on the other side, a side with food that I like and exercise that I love.
I am ready to be fully alive, fully free.
Are you with me?
Anne… oh, I hear you… I feel you. I am so right where you were.. Im falling. I too fell right back. I hadn’t restricted, actually restricted.. omg, in FOREVER, like since Sept.2012. I have cheated by not finishing a little bit of something, leaving a bite or two of food… but that was it. But now, I have been in a dark place for a month since past memories came up, and then I didn’t want to deal with them… and by last week I was even lower emotionally and ready to just “get out”… and by Friday even though I signed my contract saying I would eat all my calories on the day before… that morning, I had written a letter very early and in doing so, it totally opened the door for ana to come in and I wasn’t even aware of it fully. not until I realized that my urges to self harm would only go away when I cut back my calories. then I knew. By Monday I called the office to make an apt because I knew I had to get it to stop before it got out of hand… the spiral would get going too fast.. been down this road too many times.. each time it gets faster and faster. I couldn’t get in until Thursday. I panicked. I tried to eat my normal amount. trying to fix it on my own. but when I did, the urges came back… and I did not want to do the harm to myself that I have been trying so hard to quit doing. so in my head the lesser of two evils was to let ana win. figuring I was getting help in a few days anyway. from Friday until Wednesday, my body felt like it did when I had gone before over an 18 month period of doing what I had done…. same effect, my muscles felt the same. And in that very short span, I had also totally forgotten that I had already damaged permanently many of my organs and it would not take much at all to shut them down and damage them further… and then I got more scared wishing Thursday would get here… Thursday came… and I went to see a substitute therapist since mine is gone… and in a week I had lost about three and half lbs. and I fell way under my cut off for my med that I am on that my dr will take me off . that I can not be off….and since being on that med, I have lost itty bits.. nothing big, and I haven’t gotten any of it back… she knows this and said it was the med and ok. prob is… HOW am I going to get this weight and another lb to put me back over the cut off back before I see my reg dr again!!!! so I don’t get yanked off my med. it is almost impossible…. the meds work against me. I hate ana…. I hate it. I hate how it sneaks in on you… controls you. I was doing so good for so long. and just because I was emotional and mentally weak it took advantage … and by the time I saw it… I was trapped. Thursday when I saw that therapist, our plan til mine comes back, regardless of how long it takes me, I eat all my food each day…. I log it and email her the logs … no cheating. by Monday I get weighed. we see where I am. I prob wont gain. but we will see. then when my therapist gets back.. we will see what she wants to do. THIS IS THE LIFE ANA LEAVES YOU WITH>>>> this is not the life i want again… i want better… i want MORE. i want to LIVE without food ruling my life. I never binged or purged like some. I only restricted… but food still ruled every thought… because i constantly be thinking and dreading about when i had to eat next, what i had to eat, how much.. and hating it the whole time…. i want to just go through my day like a normal person…. living, doing regular things, and just happen to look at the time and say “oh my, look its past lunch time, lets grab a bite to eat” OR better yet… ACTUALLY GET HUNGER PAINS>>>> and go by that. that would a first. i want to be normal… as much i can. I want to be free. i was on the right path. before i fell back into the hole to hell in my sidewalk… only this time, it only took me five days to climb out instead of months. 🙂 So i am proud of myself for calling to get help…. for yesterday eating all my calories even though i wanted to cry. for telling my husband about all of it even though he looked mad…. and now having to deal with the aftermath. I WILL SURVIVE>>> and i will be okay. and one day.. I will not have ana hanging over me anymore.
All I can say right now is that I’m holding space for you, Karen. You will survive this and you will be free. xxx
This is such a heartfelt post and one that anyone who has ever had an ed (or any self destructive behaviour!) will surely relate to. I hope you can be kind to yourself as you pick yourself up and let your power team walk with you and guide you down a better road.
Thank you, sweetie. I am practicing radical self-care. It’s not an easy time, but I’ll be stronger once I’m on the other side. Thank you for your continued support and your love.
Thank you for being real and for teaching us how to be real while walking the journey!
It’s the only way I want to live life. 🙂
you totally recognize the hole and can not only climb your way out (quicker each time) but guide others there as you know it so well… xo
That’s the goal. Now, if only it weren’t so darn difficult. But we’ll all get there, in our own time.
I’m there. With you. I eat freely now. ED no longer controls my life. I can run for an hour. I’m free to do what I want. Yes, I’m not as thin as I used to be, but still thin to many. Just the right healthy body says my happy hubs. You will beat this negative force. I know you are a fighter. Never think anything less. Sending love.
Thank you so much, Susa. I wish we could meet. I could use some of your positivity. You continue to inspire me! Shine on. <3
Me too, I would really like to be free. But there’s still a long way lying ahead of me. Thank you for just being there and encouraging others to fight. I wish you all the best for your own recovery.
Lots of love from Germany. (That’s why my language actually sounds a bit strange 🙂 )
Have a look at my blog if you like to:
http://byebyeanorexiaausdermagersucht.blogspot.de/
Hey you :), thanks so much for stopping by and for commenting. I so appreciate it. Yes, recovery isn’t easy (and that’s an understatement, isn’t it?), but if we keep on going, we’ll get to a place of peace of mind and happiness. I strongly believe it. I read a few posts on your blog and it’s amazing. Thank you for sharing what recovery is like and kudos to you for being so open and transparent. I too wish you all the best on your road to recovery and I hope that you’ll find a job and gain some perspective on why life is worth living for and why it’s worth to fight for health. Much, much love, Anne-Sophie