By Sophia Holly
For a majority of my childhood, I felt alive and confident in my body. I played in the woods, I biked around my cul-de-sac for the fun of it, climbed trees, and danced to the beat of my own drum. One day at recess, this aliveness turned upside down.
I was, for the first time, called fat by a peer.
My heart sank, my body froze. The fact that I wasn’t, by any means fat is not important. The importance of this story lies in how my relationship with my body changed from that point on. I began a running routine in the effort to lose weight. The running around playing pretend in the woods lessened, and the running on concrete increased.
And so it began. My confidence in my body began to be determined by how fit and physical I was. The more I ran, the better I felt. Some may be thinking there isn’t much wrong with this, running is healthy right? Well yes, running and exercising can be healthy in moderation, and if for the right reasons. But a ten year old girl beginning a running routine, in an effort to be anything other than fat, is not a healthy reason to run.
As I grew up, the story continued.
I felt confident and alive in my body when I was running a lot. When I was injured, and not able to run, I felt low, almost suicidal.
My worth was measured by what my body could do. This manifested in other ways throughout my life. When I was in college I started practicing yoga. Although yoga benefited me in many ways, the early years of my practice came from a desire to change my body- and to master all of the fancy poses. I felt defeated when I couldn’t do poses like others in the room, and I felt on top of the world when I mastered new poses. Again, feeling confident when you do new yoga poses is not necessarily bad, but for me, it ingrained the same message I had been learning over the years– that my body was only worthy or good if it performed or looked a certain way. This is exhausting. After decades of this mindset, I completely burnt out.
This was the most necessary burn out. I began to slow down. It felt so good. I practiced slower, more mindful yoga. I remember being in a restorative pose, and bursting into tears, because I realized that I had been demonizing rest all these years, and resting felt so so healing.
Slowly, my sense of body-confidence shifted. I began to honor and nurture my body.
I learned that if I slowed down enough, my body would actually tell me what it needs. It tells me when it wants rest, and when it wants movement. It tells me when I am hungry, and when I am full. It even tells me when I am afraid, or when I should stand up for myself.
Body-confidence holds a much different meaning for me now. I respect and listen to my body, as opposed to pushing it to move beyond its limits. I define body-confidence as the ability to trust and listen to my body. I am confident it knows what it needs, and has so much wisdom that I am still tapping into as my healing progresses.
Our bodies are miraculous.
If we let go of some of the messages we receive from others, we can tap into the wisdom and beauty of it.
Sophia Holly is a 500 hour level yoga teacher, and trauma informed yoga teacher. Sophia teaches private and public yoga classes in NYC designed to help people love themselves, regardless of their ability and body size. She also teaches private sessions and yoga based workshops to help people heal their relationship with food and body (online and in person). She believes in yoga s a practice to help people heal themselves from the inside out.
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Most women spent their entire lives living for diets.
Most women never experience what it’s like to be at peace with their bodies.
Most women are extremely disconnected from the wisdom that their bodies’ hold.
Most women want to be free but are too caught up in the dieting world to actually ever believe that they can have a different life.
Most women are miserable when they look in the mirror and insecure about their looks all of their lives.
Most women realize too late what a gift their body truly is.
Women just like you.
It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
It doesn’t mean you’re an exception.
It doesn’t mean you’re ugly, fat, unattractive and lazy.
It’s just a reflection of our times and our inability to feel our feelings and live our lives.
I’m here to change all that. You don’t have to live that crazy, empty life anymore.
I created the Body-Love Wellness Circles so I could provide a safe space to nourish you with love for yourself and your body.
You don’t have to be a certain weight. You don’t need to obsess over the scale or the width of your thighs.
You just need to love yourself as you are and free yourself from hating your looks and your body.
I’ve been where you are. I know it’s hard. I know it’s scary.
But it’s SO much better than looking in the mirror and hating what you see.
You can learn to love your body more. You can learn to love yourself more.
Are you willing to try?
Stay tuned for the Body-Love Wellness Circles coming April 21st!
