I did it!
I ran the NYC marathon – the marathon I’ve been dreaming of for 20 years.
And hmmm felt weird afterwards. Not joyful, not sad, not a sense of pride or achievement, not disappointment or regret.
I just felt hmmm.
Which is not what I had expected since during the race, uff, I felt every emotion and I felt them intensively:
From nervousness to overwhelming joy, from gratitude to tears of relief, amazement and a sense of this can’t be real, from extreme loneliness to I am bathed in a sea of unbelievably kind and generous humans, from burning rage to laughter, from hope to despair, from “I’m flying” to “Am I still moving at all”? From “only 4 miles” to “FUUUUCK 4 more miles?!”.
My emotions and mental state shifted from moment to moment, unexpectedly, irrationally, sometimes violently
– until there was nothing but silence.
Until it was just my body and me. Moving forward, breathing, eyes hardly noticing the thousands of people cheering us on.
One more step, then another, just my body, my breath and silence.
I’ve been running for decades: I run to quiet my mind. I run to feel and let go. I run as therapy, as meditation, sometimes to flee, often to heal, but this kind of silence? I’ve never experienced.
As I was hobbling towards the exit after it was all over, I didn’t speak, I didn’t smile, I had no tears, I just existed. I was.
I had no need for water or nutrition. I had no need for sharing, I had no need for the bathroom that I’d longed for so much during the race.
All I was, was present. In my aching legs, in my empty mind, in my body that had allowed me to experience this spectacle.
It was an event of a lifetime and the pride, the happiness are bubbling just under the surface: but for now, I still just am.
Knowing that this kind of being is itself the biggest gift I’ve ever been given.
… to be continued.
What have YOU been dreaming of for many years and have finally allowed yourself to experience?
