I have been angry lately.
Really f**cking angry.
At the Universe.
At Life.
At my Past.
I have been pissed at my slow internet connection.
Pissed that I couldn’t work as fast as I wanted to.
Pissed that I have been stuck in a traffic jam twice this week.
I’m pissed.
And I’m embracing it.
… with the help of my coach.
The truth is that I have been angry for months, probably years, but I didn’t allow myself to feel it. I pushed it away, denied it, didn’t want to deal with it.
Anger, after all, isn’t pretty.
It will show the universe that you’re not ready for the good stuff.
It will make you manifest all kinds of experiences that’ll make you even more angry.
Anger is for messed up teens who had a super rough life and are now just raging at everyone.
But now for a grown up mom.
Not for a woman.
Anger, and this is the big one, is not something “coaches” experience. It’s not something I “should” feel. Coaches have amazing lives where nothing makes them angry…
Well, I am angry.
Raging inside.
I used to be angry as a child. I was good at screaming, yelling, letting everyone know how unhappy I was.
I was great at it.
Then, I changed and I became the happy girl. The one who left behind her destructive relationship with food and her body.
The one who healed her severe depression and learned to not want to be thin at all costs.
From sadness to happiness – I transformed.
And I wanted to make sure that it stayed that way. That I proofed to everyone that I was really, f**cking happy. That I truly made it.
And I was – until I began to suppress my anger.
Anger all the way back to my childhood suddenly needed to be felt.
Wanted to be seen.
Wanted to be expressed.
But I couldn’t, wouldn’t.
Because I had it good.
I lived a good life, right?
How would I ever have the right to be angry when I have a wonderful son, supportive parents, can pay my bills and truly eat what I want when I want?
How would I ever have the right to be raging inside when I have a tribe I love?
How would I ever have the right to be frustrated when I was able to write, to podcast, to speak from the heart?
How could I justify my anger?
I couldn’t – and I don’t have to.
There are reasons that I am not going to talk about yet. Of course there are. Many things that are not right. Things that don’t feel aligned. Things that are not working and haven’t for a while.
And at the same time, there’s the anger from the past that has never been expressed, that has never been heard or seen.
And those two? Were meant to explode at one point.
And oh boy how they did.
They exploded right in my face in ways that I couldn’t have imagined.
As a result, I’ve been raging in the car, cursing at everything and everyone.
I’ve been writing about all the reasons I’m angry for weeks now, truly allowing myself to feel my anger, to cry the angry tears, to surrender my feelings to my journal.
I’ve been avoiding “positive” journaling prompts and have stayed away from some of the feel good blogs I usually read.
Right now, I want to be mad.
I want to be pissed.
I want to rage.
I still feel embarrassed about it, but the feeling of anger is stronger at this point.
It’s right at the center of my core, raging in my belly, making it clear that now is the time for me to face what I haven’t faced just yet.
I’m curious to see what’s on the other side, but I also feel that this’ll last for a while.
That I’ll be angry for weeks, months even.
There’s a lot of emotion in my belly that must be expressed right now – can’t wait, won’t wait, must be felt. It’s not comfortable. It’s not a good feeling and I certainly don’t want to feel it, but I can’t not.
What is it that you can’t not feel?
What is it that you have been ignoring in your life that is now showing up louder and louder?
What is it that you have been suppressing but that is just not going away?
Here’s the thing: Feelings don’t just disappear.
They don’t – until we accept them and feel them. Once we do, they have a chance to show us why they’re here. We need to learn the lesson before they fade.
I have tried, that’s for sure. But my anger didn’t vanish. It kept knocking on my heart, getting stronger and stronger until I finally listened, surrendered and got the f**k mad about all the things that have been stored inside.
I’ve tried to bargain with God, the Universe, spirit guides to just take the anger away, but they didn’t and so I’m feeling. Every day. I’m feeling. In every way. I’m feeling. I’m crying. I’m raging. I let go.
I move on with my day until the anger comes back. And then I feel. Intensely. I feel. With an open heart. I feel. I feel. I feel.
Where’s your anger?
What’s it telling you?
What’s it trying to make you see, hear, learn?
And how are you standing in the way of your anger being expressed?
I don’t have an answer for what my anger is trying to teach me. Not yet. So, there’s no lesson here, no big Aha. Just me sharing as I am navigating massive discomfort, which is an essential skill in leading a life free from diet prison and an obsession with the body and her shape.
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Ready to rage? Book your 6-week coaching package now! I’ll be gone on vacation in two weeks. Be sure to book your package before!
*Photo found here.
