It’s day 5 of the series already! Lori Race writes about childhood wounds, numbing her feelings with food, over-exercising, constant comparison and how she found her way back to health and joy.
Growing up, how did you feel about your body?
I didn’t begin to judge or feel shame or unhappiness with my body until I was about 18 years old. I was a fairly typical kid of the 70’s, eating whatever I wanted (frozen fish sticks, anyone?), playing outside all the time and not giving a thought to what my body looked like.
I am very grateful for all of those younger years where my body was not the focus of my own displeasure or tormenting. In fact it gave me a touchstone later in life in regard to what true body freedom felt like.
When did your body image struggles start?
My compulsive eating began as a teenager; a coping mechanism that I am able to see now was put in place to help numb the uncomfortable emotions and anxiety within me. The binge eating started catching up with me in terms of weight gain when I was about 16 or so but even as the weight from the overeating began to appear, I would say that I still felt comfortable and confident in my body much of the time.
The real struggles with body image did not show up for me until I began working out at about 18 years of age. My introduction to fitness at this time proved to be a double edged sword for me; part of me knew that movement felt good and I enjoyed all the great brain chemicals being released and the feeling of strength and overall health but another part of me heavily attached to the body shaping aspect of working out.
It was at this point that I began exercising compulsively, at times 4-5 hrs a day, as well as aggressively restricting calories and alternately binge eating. Through this process I also began to heavily criticize and dislike my body.
The perfectionist within me seemed to take over from there and I was no longer able to see myself as most others saw me at that time; a young, beautiful, healthy woman. Instead my vision seemed only able to focus on the “flaws”.
I was in a constant state of comparison, measuring my body against the bodies of other women; “Is my butt smaller than hers?”, “Are my arms as toned as that woman?”, “Oh wow, look at her! If I just do an extra hour at the gym every day, maybe I can get that lean”.
There was not one moment of the day that my mind wasn’t thinking about food, exercise and my body. To say I was miserable is a huge understatement yet I just didn’t know how to get myself off the body obsession ride that I had found myself on. Luckily for me, as I became more ready to heal and see the truth of who I was as a human being, the tools and information began to show up.
What bothered you most about your body?
Since puberty hit, I have always had what most people would refer to as a classically curvy figure: boobs, a small waist, larger hips and a larger butt. My lord, how I despised my hips and butt over the years. My butt was the absolute bane of my existence all through my twenties.
Rather than being able to see my body as a whole entity that included all the simply stunning bits as well as my soul and spirit, I remained hyper-focused for years on that damn booty!
It seems almost comical to me now just how hard I tried to alter the size and shape of my lower body and how much energy I spent berating and despising it in my mind. It was like enemy #1! And really, all that time it was just a body part, just a set of buttocks and hips, muscles and adipose that allowed me to walk and run and sit down and stand up.
It didn’t require an altered set of pants or cause me any pain that I didn’t make up in my mind. It was only the STORY about my butt that caused the pain and suffering. The belief that if somehow it was just a bit smaller with no cellulite, it would mean nirvana for me; love, acceptance, value as a human being.
There is no question that this “troublesome” body part of mine has, in reality, changed very little in size over the last 20 years, in fact it’s likely a little larger currently as I have waded into middle age and yet I wouldn’t trade it for the butt of a super-model (since let’s be honest, a super-model butt on the body of a 40-something woman would look kind of silly…).
My point is that I see the beauty now in the way my body comes together as a whole. My butt and it’s shape and size fit my body perfectly because it’s me!
What was the moment you knew you had to change something about your body image?
For me, there was no one defining moment. My desire to heal my relationship with food, exercise and my body came in ebbs and flows over a period of many years starting in my early 20’s when I sought out my first therapy appointment.
At different stages of my life, as I became more ready, I continued to peel away the layers of childhood wounding, perfectionism and deep discomfort with myself and aha’s in the form of books, teachers and mentors appeared along the way to support my process. Eventually one day I realized, “Oh wow, I’ve completely healed this area of my life”.
I’m very pleased to say that I have not participated in any form of dieting or food restricting for the past 5 years. I now move my body purely for the pleasure of moving and for how strong and healthy it allows me to feel.
I am so at peace having been able to let go of my obsession with looking a certain way or being a certain size. It feels wonderful and I know it all unfolded at just the right pace and in just the way it needed to for me.
What helped you most during your healing journey?
Finding mentors in women that truly loved themselves and their bodies. Women who ate whatever they fancied and refused to participate in talk of dieting, working out and their displeasure with their bodies constantly; these are the women that paved the way for me and allowed me to understand that there was another way.
Women like Geneen Roth and Mama Gena and hundreds of beautiful blogging women that teach and represent body love and true, authentic pleasure and self-care.
I believe the obsession to alter our bodies is actually just a way to distract from the pain that we fear we may find within. {Click to Tweet}
My journey to healing was about unearthing, allowing and eventually feeling that pain. Once I was able to do that, the need to control, restrict, overeat and over-exercise simply fell away and it opened up the space for me to finally see myself the way others saw me; as a radiant, sensual, perfectly imperfect human being.
What lessons did you learn along the way?
I learned that my beauty as a human being and as a woman has nothing to do with the size or shape of my body. {Click to Tweet}
I learned that it is completely possible to stop obsessing about exercise, food and you body. (and that it feels REALLY fucking good!)
I learned that true pleasure is a key part of eating and movement and life that we do not allow ourselves nearly enough of.
I learned that healing of this nature takes time but it is so completely worth it.
How do you feel about your body now?
Now that I have healed my obsessive exercise and disordered eating and separated my worth as a human being from the size and shape my body, I am finally able to appreciate my body for all the amazing gifts it offers.
I am now able to both hear and revere the subtle messages my body gives me in regard to what it needs from me in order to be healthy, happy and strong.
Our bodies have amazing wisdom, far more than our minds, and there is so much success and joy to be had by tapping into that wisdom and allowing our bodies to lead us.
I love that I am able to look in the mirror now, be it naked or fully clothed and see myself as a beautiful, feminine, and undeniably whole human rather than a sum of parts that need sculpting, toning and shaping. My curves please me to no end and the confidence I’ve gained through the acceptance and appreciation I’ve showered on my body in the past 5 years shows in every aspect of my life.
I feel deeply appreciative and completely in love with my body.
What’s one tip you can give readers to finally feel at home in their body?
I would say that patience and self–compassion along my journey were the keys for me to be able to finally fully heal and feel at home in my body. I didn’t find the answers in a “30-day challenge” or a “health cleanse” and it was definitely not a linear path to peace.
Full acceptance of where I was at emotionally and physically at any given point along the path along with a commitment to have the utmost compassion for myself through each phase has allowed me to create an existence in which I never stray from the deep connection I have created with my body.
Lori Race is a Registered Acupuncturist, Wellness Clinic Owner and Master Certified Life Coach who loves to have conversations about self-love and self-compassion. In her work with patients and clients she uses a combination of coaching tools, Chinese Medicine and storytelling to help facilitate the realization of full radiance and authenticity in the human form. Lori is currently writing a book about the ability of meaningful movement (aka exercise with connection) to expand and reform our society’s current consciousness around fitness and our bodies.
Check out Lori’s websites www.lorirace.com and www.mandalahealthcenter.com and her brilliant collaborative body image project called The Choose Love Project.
