I haven’t really written in a while.
2 weeks to be exact – which for me feels like a lifetime.
Well, I’ve written.
Thousands upon thousands of words –
in my diary –
mostly about the same exact situation.
I’ve journaled, yes, but I haven’t written.
I’ve been hiding.
And I didn’t know why.
But I do know.
I know that I’m scared that if I start writing how I usually write –
from the heart, with complete vulnerability and openness –
I’ll start crying and I won’t be able to stop.
It’s been a wild year, this year.
It’s been one full of the most extreme emotions.
It’s been a year that wasn’t anything like I’d hoped it was going to be.
I’d hoped for a gentle year – gentleness was my word, how I was going to flow through these 365 days.
It started out gently – a bit at least.
And then it turned into a hell of a ride –
like most years,
like it happens for most of us, doesn’t it?
From anger to deep despair to extreme bliss – this year has taken my breath away.
There have been surprises I could’ve never imagined.
There have been events that have impacted me to the core.
There has been everything from fear to ease.
And I’ve allowed myself to feel it all,
but this time,
it’s different.
I’m scared.
Literally terrified
that if I allow myself to express what I am feeling I won’t be able to get back to life, to “real” life – I’ll just be a ball of tears.
The funny thing – the hilarious thing – is that what is happening isn’t even bad.
Not bad at all.
In fact, it’s pretty much one of the coolest things that’s ever “happened to me”.
I probably shouldn’t even say this.
I probably should just keep it to myself.
That’s what I’m telling myself.
… because if I talk about it, if I acknowledge it, if I stop hiding it,
it’ll be real and then,
it’ll just go away.
Like everything good that’s ever happened to me.
Do you know that feeling?
That deep fear that if you talk about something GREAT in your life, it might just disappear?
That all the perfection will just fade and it’ll turn from good to horrendously bad and you suffering
AND – even worse –
you having completely lost your “face”.
Truth is that it’s happened so many times to me that I accepted it as a fact.
“The universe keeps on teasing me with amazing things and then, just when I begin to hope and believe that it could really be true, it takes it away and I am left with nothing.”
That’s my belief system or was my belief system for all of my life.
Because why?
Because I don’t deserve greatness.
Because I don’t deserve happiness.
Because I am just not good enough,
I am destined to suffer.
Yeah right.
Who did I think I was?
So special that everything bad was just going to happen to me forever and always?
Yup, pretty much.
And of course it did.
If you believe it,
if you expect it,
it’ll happen.
Always expecting things to end up in the worst possible way –
that’s a great way to live, isn’t it?
And then my belief system changed in so many ways.
But – apparently – not really.
Because here I am,
terrified that what I’ve gained this summer will be taken away again.
Not allowing myself to enjoy it.
Not allowing myself to ease into it.
Not allowing myself to be happy about it.
Nope, instead I am worrying,
instead I am despairing,
instead I am suffering.
And so, if I open that can of worms,
I will not stop feeling.
I will not stop crying.
Not that I haven’t cried about it.
Of course I have.
But there’s more.
And so, yeah, I couldn’t write.
Because once I write, I feel.
Because once I let go, I’ll need to acknowledge how scared I am.
And that’s just not cool.
Nor is it fun.
But there’s also this little voice inside my head asking in the tiniest voice:
what if it won’t disappear?
what if this time it’ll actually turn out to be exactly the way it seems?
what if this time you’ll experience what you’ve always wanted?
what if this time it’s different?
What if what you never saw coming was exactly what you always needed?
And what would happen if you allowed yourself to be super happy about it?
Like, “just seeing what happens” kind of happy?
Would your armor fall?
Would your heart rip open?
Would your belief system totally turn upside down?
Yes, yes and absolutely yes.
So, that tiny whisper asks:
are you ready for it?
Are you actually ready for pure bliss?
And honestly, I don’t know.
I don’t know if I can handle it.
I don’t know…
And it doesn’t matter.
Because it’s happening anyway.
That’s the thing and the entire point of this post I guess:
Life happens anyway.
“Things” happen anyway.
Whether we are happy about them or choose to worry our minds off and dive into deep despair.
GREAT, AMAZING, MIND-BLOWING, FREAKING HILARIOUS and COMPLETELY CRAZY things happen anyway – it’s up to you, to me, to embrace them with both arms and a big, fat smile on our faces.
If we don’t, life might just pass us by without us ever truly having been happy a single day.
So, of course, tears are streaming down my face right now,
of course I am still scared,
and of course I’ll cry for a while.
And it’ll be good.
It IS good.
It always is…
because life happens for me,
everything is always perfect anyway
and life just keeps on getting better and better –
whether I choose to be happy about it or not.
This one might turn out to be bad, real bad,
or it might turn out to be the best thing that could possibly happen –
and no matter which way it goes,
I choose to be in it with my entire heart.
Because life, my love, is always giving you exactly what you need.
It’s time to stop hurting and start creating FREEDOM.
You have what it takes to turn this around.
You have what it takes to let go of needing to be in pain and playing small.
I see it in your eyes.
I see it in your heart.
I see it in your every move and every word.
You are the one you were always meant to be –
just covered by fear and shame –
and the wrong belief that being thin will instantly ease all your pain and allow you to create a life of rainbows and unicorns.
It’s time to leave that behind.
It’s time to unleash the superwoman that’s inside.
Not overnight.
But by strategically going through the steps to allowing your core to shine.
I’m here to help. <3
