Found on itsonmytodolist.wordpress.com
There’s a girl living down the street.
She seems to lead a normal life; goes to work every morning, drinks her coffee, smiles at strangers and waves hello every time we pass. She paints her nails, listens to music, watches TV and goes about her daily life with quiet diligence.
There’s a girl living down the street and she struggles with her body. Big time.
I see her disordered eating. I hear her cries, notice her tears, her disconnection from her body and her feelings.
I know she likes sports, is into healthy foods and all the wellness trends out there. She has a wide range of hobbies, or at least she would have,
if she didn’t feel so restricted by the body she is trapped in.
She likes to work, but struggles with balance in her life, that lack of balance that is mostly visible in her craziness around losing weight.
That girl living down the street values worthiness, abundance, justice, integrity, freedom, fun, play, self-care, contribution, generosity, responsibility, joy and creativity. She has a beautiful, vivid and open inner world. There’s so much going on, she has so much to give.
But she feels restricted by her weight.
With all her beautiful inner ongoings, the girl I see every day is lonely in her world. There’s nobody she confesses in, nobody she can really share her deep, deep grief, burden and need for support.
This gorgeous, wonderful girl thinks about food and her body all day long. She wakes up counting calories and beats herself up for having eaten too much. All she wants is to be accepted, feel loved and cared for. She wants to be confident and walk through life knowing that her body is OK. She yearns to enjoy food without feeling guilty after of every single bite. She wants to be free of self-destructive thoughts and her biggest wish is peace of mind and freedom.
But, she feels ashamed of who she is.
She is scared of letting go because all her life she needed to be in control to merely survive. Her inner most wish is to be held and told it’s OK, that it’s all going to be fine.
But, every morning, all she can feel is dread.
There’s a girl living down the street and she is so scared of being judged. So, so scared of being judged. And she is judged. So often. So ruthlessly. So hatefully.
She’s sick and tired of constant dieting. Yet all she wants is for that next diet to work. She feels broken. She knows she’s broken. That diet is going to fix her, make her whole. She knows it will.
Yet, in reality, all she truly wants is out, out, OUT. She wants to breathe, to live, to be.
