I’m a high achiever through and through.
I loooove working hard.
I loooove getting results.
I loooove learning and getting up at 5am to get shit done.
I’ve done this truth for years as I was scared of falling back into the trap of my eating disorder.
I used to be a high achiever in my Ed life many years ago.
Then I left it behind because
back in the day my achievements were driven by fear.
My great grades were produced by me spending every afternoon in tears because I was just so freaking overwhelmed.
My thin body was built by never eating and exercising until I was dizzy.
My dance moves were filled with rigidity and the anguish of messing up.
Achieving anything was horrendous, not one ounce of fun.
So, after I healed, I denied myself my truth.
I sat back and took it easy, which created more and more anxiety in myself.
I had a boyfriend who didn’t like me working as much as I wanted to, so I changed.
I had parents and relatives who told me that I should get a life, that working every day was not “normal” and a clear sign that something was off.
I pushed my true Self aside, watched more TV, sat and talked-
but deep inside, I was restless, I was unhappy.
I had a guilty conscience because I have a son who deserves lots of time with me.
Doesn’t he?
I felt like the worst mom in the world.
Wasn’t I?
But mostly, I was scared that if I gave in again, I’d go back to obsessing over food and my body.
Because of the pressure, the fear, the guilt, the shame that came with being a high achiever.
I denied.
Denied.
Denied.
Until I couldn’t breathe anymore.
Until I wanted out.
Wanted to pull my skin off and just break OUT of this reality that just wasn’t a reflection of who I was and am: a person who aims high and wants to go to the top. A person who looooves to stretch herself, who can’t not write, speak, create, develop and put herself out there as scary as it us.
And yet, the fear of turning back, of relapsing was there; years after letting go of my destructive relationship with food.
I had to take the leap.
I had to go all in.
I had to step it up.
There was just no other choice.
My heart was pulling at me.
Asking me, begging me to step it up, to reveal to myself who I truly was.
So I did.
I promised myself that I’d deal with the consequences with all the tools I had gathered over the years.
However…
Surprise, surprise.
There was silence.
No Ed voice.
No desire to restrict.
To overexercise.
To deny myself the pleasures of life.
The exact opposite was the case.
I suddenly was laughing more again.
I suddenly felt freer, more whole, more like myself.
I had shed a layer of fear and had truly stepped into the person I was meant to be all along.
Here’s the deal:
If you’re scared of being who you are because in the past your behaviors were met with fear and anguish, you may not have totally been yourself at that time.
Achieving great grades, being a good dancer, having the perfect body is a level of high achievement in our world for sure, but it wasn’t what my soul wanted.
These ways of being was just a means of being praised, feeling safe, being seen.
I thought that that was what I needed when in truth, what I needed was to love myself, to feel confident in myself, to express myself from my core.
Being the perfect student, the fastest learner of dance moves and never eating when others were eating didn’t give me a thing other than a “good on you, Anne” from my parents.
It didn’t matter, so my essential self needed to express her sorrow by getting sick.
At that time, I had already felt that I was different, that I had interests that were not considered as normal, that I desired more profoundness than my peers, but instead of allowing myself to truly seek what I needed, I went for outside praise and conditional love.
Are you on that path right now?
Are you scared that if you allow yourself to be who you are, you’ll never heal, relapse, go to even darker places?
There might be judgment.
There might be misunderstanding.
There might even be the loss of friendship and praise.
But what you’ll gain when expressing you who are,
shedding the layers of fear and pain,
is YOURSELF,
your LIFE.
So, if you’re a high achiever who struggled with disordered eating or an eating disorder in the past, don’t let that keep you from being who you are meant to be.
Heal your fears.
Heal your wounds.
Heal your past.
And then…
Go and conquer the world in your very own way.
Trust that you’ve learned the lesson that being who others want you to be will never lead to freedom, happiness and love.
Trust that you’ve learned the lesson that denying yourself and your heart’s desires will always lead to more pain, more fear, more expressions of the hurt you feel.
Trust that you’ve learned the lesson that nobody has the right to tell you who you’re supposed to be and what you’re supposed to do.
If you want to work 16 hours a day because you absolutely LOVE what you do, go do it.
If you don’t, don’t.
If you want to go back to running a few miles a day because it gives you the energy you desire and gets you into flow, go do it.
If you don’t, don’t.
If you want to go back to college and become a doctor while raising 3 kids, go do it.
If you don’t, don’t.
And always, always, always reserve yourself the right to change your mind.
Go be a high achiever –
Or be whatever your heart is calling you to be.
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