In the middle of my struggle with food, I gained about 60 pounds in 4 months or so.
I was completely out of control. And felt as trapped as I’d never felt before.
I’d been thin for so many years and then from one do to the next I couldn’t stop eating. I couldn’t stop binging. I couldn’t stop myself from putting yet another pizza, another cake (ENTIRE cake), another chocolate bar (or 5) in my mouth. I ate and ate and ate.
Every night, I’d tell feel gross and fat and disgusting. My stomach hurt, I couldn’t breathe, I wanted out.
Every night, I’d promise myself that the next day would be better, I’d begin another diet, I’d go back to only eating cabbage soup, I’d finally get through the first 5 days of the Atkins diet and would endlessly follow my workout videos.
And sometimes, that’s what I did. I sometimes trained on the elliptical for 4 hours; slaving away on endless evenings trying to undo the damage I’d done during the day.
I thought about signing up for a marathon thinking that that would surely get my head back in the game and my body back to the “right” weight.
I tried the Cabbage Soup diet at least 20 times, but ALWAYS – without fail – gained the weight back within days. So, my 2 week struggle of eating that disgusting soup was worthless. Every single time. And I can still not smell cabbage to this day without getting nauseous.
I tried it all. Tirelessly. I tried it over and over and over again, the same thing, knowing it wouldn’t work, but hoping that the next time would be different. Magical.
I was in agony and hated my life. Every second of it.
It was all about food: from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed. It was ALL about food.
I had no social cycle, no purpose, nothing.
I was eating and trying not to. And that was that.
So, even though today, I might look like the “thin chick”, I know exactly what it’s like to be trapped in the overeating and binging hell.
I know exactly what it means to hate yourself so much that you wish you could cut off certain parts of your body to just not have to look the way you do.
I know exactly what it means to be so ashamed of yourself that you’d never consider being in a photo – and if you see yourself in one, you’ll destroy it right away (seriously, I think there is one photo of myself in that time and I have no idea where it is; everything else was destroyed immediately).
I know exactly what it means to feel that all eyes are on you, everyone sizing you up, everyone judging you.
I have heard the comments, I’ve been ridiculed, I’ve begun to make myself smaller and smaller every day.
I know what it’s like to be fat and wanting OUT without seeing the light. I know.
[magicactionbox]
But here’s what I know too: there IS a way out. There is a way back. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.
I KNOW that it doesn’t have to be like this for the rest of your life.
I KNOW that you can heal.
I KNOW that you can repair whatever is broken inside.
I KNOW that no diet – no matter how often you try it – will lead the way to you healing your relationship with food.
I KNOW that it is about something way deeper than food.
I KNOW that the way out isn’t the one you imagine.
I KNOW that no matter how screwed up you think you are, YOU can feel sane again. You CAN feel whole again. You CAN live in complete peace with food and your body.
You CAN.
But diets aren’t the way.
Meal plans aren’t the way.
Hating yourself isn’t the way.
Feeling ashamed and guilty for being here isn’t the way.
True, deep vulnerability, a willingness to go a different road, try different tools, a deep belief in your own worthiness: those are the ways.
Plus, lots of work with a coach (moi) IS the way.
THIS is your life. THIS is your reality. THIS is your chance to turn it around, to love yourself unconditionally, to heal yourself from the inside out, to take your power back and be who you’ve always wanted to be.
Because, if I could do it (and oh boy did I do it), then you will be able to do it too.
But you have to jump in, you have to want it. You have to desire it for real.
Do you?
