When I was a little girl I began to believe I was a klutz.
My father frequently told me this, others compared me to my sister who was apparently “coordinated”, and of course, good old Ma Martin in gym class did not do much to counter my ideas about my physical abilities. By the time I was a teenager this message had been reinforced by my penchant for falling off horses when I was riding with my cousin every month or two. No one really tortured me about it, but all of these bits of evidence had me believing that the world at large knew the truth about me and let me know what that truth was.
I went through my adulthood knowing this was a FACT.
It had been proven time and time again when I walked across the floor and as my father put it- tripped over the lines in the linoleum flooring. I never felt comfortable cross-country skiing, I was always going the wrong way when I was doing dance aerobics class and I felt very, very awkward in my own body. Obviously, the most legitimate way for me to get any exercise was to walk, and in my mind it was a little pathetic. After all, how often was I told or did I read, if you can do nothing else- walk for a minimum of 30 min a day *for your health*!!??
Running and I were not on speaking terms.
It wasn’t that I purposefully avoided new or different activities because I didn’t think I could do them, it was that I did not even have a consideration because obviously I couldn’t. I mean I literally did not even have different activities in my sights.
I KNEW that I could not do anything that resembled any sort of thing that needed coordination or athleticism.
There are a lot of factors that play into this, much of it has to do with the remoteness of the area I live in and the lack of activities available. I did some aerobic type exercises while watching some shows on TV, but that was about it. So I was pretty sedentary, even though I tried to get in walking, found some aerobics classes, but when you are expecting and then have all those little kids you can only do so much. Especially when you live in the middle of no where.
About 7-8 years ago I began restricting my food in earnest and headed down Orthorexia Avenue, which conveniently intersected with Over-Exercise Street. I had upped my aerobic exercise by about a million-fold and then discovered a wonderful place called the gym! Our town had finally gotten a wonderful gym that was run by a local family.
After years of thinking that you are not capable of being successful in literally any athletic endeavor and then come to find out, you are a talented weight-lifter is quite the surprise!
I don’t know if the gym owner was just trying to be supportive, but I bloomed under his encouragement. He told me I was a natural weight-lifter…… wow. I was “home” and felt like I belonged and really loved what it was doing for me. The people were awesome and accepting and I became a powerful human being!
My confidence soared and I felt unstoppable.
However, I knew something was not right. Every day was a struggle and an ordeal.
Staying a small person was not working out. I seriously am not meant to be a small bodied human.
So I found my way into the world of body acceptance, no diets and scale smashing awesomeness. I was so worried, though, that I was going to lose my new found identity of thin and strong and confident woman who finds so much joy in life. I wanted to be that independent person who will go on adventures, and strike out alone if I have to, and have a full and fulfilling life. How was that going to work if I keep on gaining weight? That turned out to be a LOT of hard work and much of that was pretty uncomfortable and tough.
Turns out- I can be strong but not underweight.
I can have an exciting, adventuresome life, without conforming to cultures’ idea of what a person should look like to have that life. I can feel GREAT in the body I have at this minute, without having to feel like something has to change. I can exercise how and when I want with no “shoulds” governing my life.
Mostly, I can continue having that confidence KNOWING that I will continue to change in the way my body looks and it just doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I look like when I bravely go traveling by myself- I can still do it. I can be the best teacher I can be and the size and shape of my body has nothing to do with how much I care for my kids. My grandchildren will not love me less because I do not look the same as I did 4 years ago. I am a grownup and I can seriously be not only fine with it, but not even think about how my body is shaped. As in, not even pay attention to that fact.
I will not say this is easy to do, some days it is super hard because this whole world is full of people that, for now, think the shape of a body is the most important thing in the world.
People will talk about it ad nauseam, you will see and hear this discussion everywhere, it is annoyingly rampant in the “humor” on television and movies. Some days you just don’t feel like it is working very well, but you know, those days are way better than dieting. It is so nice to just look at people blankly when they try to engage you in diet talk and you just eat your cookie, brush off your shirt and leave the room. It is just that simple, but it is not always easy.
Having body confidence lets you throw clothes that don’t fit anymore into a bag to be taken to a thrift store without feelings of failure.
It means doing the things that you like to do without worrying that you aren’t good enough, and if that worry happens to creep in- you do it anyway. Confidence means you push through and learn to ignore what your brain is telling you someone is thinking- you do not know what is going on in their minds.
In reality, the only person that really matters is you when it comes to body confidence. You do you. You know what is right for you.
Check out Deb’s new blog “We are more than good enough” here.
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Being at war with your body is like living a life in hell.
You’re constantly suffering, hurting, wishing you were someone else, different, better, enough.
I know; I used to wish I was a completely different person. I hated my body and abused it for decades.
The truth is that most women feel that way. We are ridiculously unhappy and insecure.
But you don’t have to feel that way anymore.
I created Body-Love Wellness Circles to ease you out of hating your body and into loving your body just as she is.
You don’t need another diet. You don’t need to obsess over the number on the scale.
You just need to love your body more and treat her right.
Won’t you join me?
Stay tuned for the Body-Love Wellness Circles coming April 21st!
