There are wounds we carry around for years.

Some of these come from our childhoods and are buried deep inside. Others develop over time and they slip into our consciousness without us really noticing.

My biggest wound – the one I’ve lived with forever – is my brother.

I’ve talked about our relationship before, then I let it be because I needed to heal. But now, now the wound’s cracked open again.

I haven’t spoken with my brother in years, have no contact, don’t want to know anything about him at all. It’s not easy – being that we belong to the same family and people just have this incredibly weird need to tell me about him.

Deleting him from my life has been necessary for me to regain my life. It’s given me the strength to find myself, build my confidence, reclaim my worthiness as a woman, a human being. Not seeing him, not having to be terrified of him has allowed me to finally breathe.

Now, however, he’s coming home for Christmas and every cell in my body is screaming for air again. Everything I’ve carefully built in the last years is beginning to collapse. I’ve lost balance, the anxieties of the 13-year old me are erupting, threatening to bury me in a sea of boiling pain and tears.

I’m standing motionless and the walls around me are crashing down, one buy one, hitting me, smashing into my skin, re-opening the wounds I thought were healed a long time.

All it took was one event, one decision that brought it all up, stirred my soul, hung my heart and turned me into a scared little nothing once again.

I never thought I’d revisit these feelings. Never thought I’d have to deal with them again.

But now the cracks have burst and I can’t ignore them any longer. I cannot push them deeper into the soil of my broken heart.

Why am I telling you this? Why this nostalgic, slightly victim-ish tale?

I’m saying it because we can all recognize these feelings, this voiceless scream of helplessness that’s accumulating inside.

I’m saying it because it has to be said for all of us to heal our communal wounds.

I’m saying it for you, so you won’t feel so alone in what you’re going through.

None of us walk through life unfazed. None of us make it through our days without being punched in the back or cut by swords. We all have our life-changing, ongoing fears and struggles. We all have our villains, our enemies, people who are here to crush our life force.

Many of us manage to continue living life despite of these pulsating wounds, pushing them down, deeper and deeper into the dungeons of our hearts until we believe they’ve disappeared. But, surprise, surprise, they never do. And one day in a tiny moment, they bump into you on the way to the supermarket or while you’re sitting at home watching TV.

One moment, one instant and your past is staring you right in the face. 

What do you do when this happens?

First and foremost, take care of yourself. Check in with yourself and do what is best for you to feel and stay safe. Do you need to stay at a friend’s home for a while, get therapy, up your self-care practices or simply be still, wrapping yourself in a blanket of love? Whatever your heart’s telling you, do it. Your safety and sanity matters.

Second, allow yourself to feel your fears, the anger, the pain, the disappointment, the frustrations. Stop being brave and instead open up to the emotions you’ve been burying for decades. Sob uncontrollably, scream like a madman, curse, fight, run. Whatever helps you release, do it.

Third, give yourself the time to heal what needs to heal, but don’t sweep it under the carpet again. That’s what you did before and it hasn’t really helped you, has it? Consult a therapist, a counselor, a coach. Write in your diary, go on a meditation retreat. Practice forgivness for the other person and for yourelf. You get to choose what helps you heal, don’t shy away from doing it.

I’m not going to lie, healing wounds, even if they’re old wounds that are surfacing again, sucks. It hurts like hell and running away from it all seems like the most genius idea you’ve ever had.

But if you love through your fears this time and do it for real, you can finally move on. You don’t have to be scared again. You don’t have to feel helpless and numb again, you don’t have to break open all over again.

If you can, if you feel ready and brave, walk into the direction you absolutely don’t want to go. Walk towards your enemies, towards your haunted past and you’ll soon stand on the other side looking into a bright, sunny sky.

At least, that’s what I’m hoping and praying for. At least, that’s what I am willing to believe.

As of now I know I cannot face my demons yet. So, I’ll prioritize my safety. But one day, even if it takes all my life, I’ll feel safe despite my demon being close. I’ll feel safe and free despite everything he reminds me of. I’ll feel as good around him as I feel when I’m a thousand miles away.

One day soon, I’ll too be free.