My #1 love languages is receiving gifts.
I used to be ashamed of that because – holy moly – how selfish and superficial is that?! I mean, why not words of affirmation or physical touch or even quality time?
Typical Anne-Sophie, always needy, always wanting, always expecting material things.
Well, as I have walked this path of self-acceptance more and more in the recent years, I learned to embrace the fact that yes, I. LOVE. GIFTS.
I love giving them, I love receiving them.
Funny thing is that this love language was never really met by my ex-partners (self-sabotage much? Or rather no self-esteem much? 🤪).
None of my them really cared about giving gifts and yeah, I always accepted that because, hey, I am NOT superficial after all.
However, a few years ago, I received hand-me-down headphones from my boyfriend. Headphones that never really worked.
Now, he has money. Lots of it. He could’ve afforded brand-new shiny headphones many times over, but he chose to go to eBay and purchase used headphones for my special day – just to say a few bucks. It stung. And when they wouldn’t work, it stung even more.
There was this gnawing feeling of “why am I not worthy of him giving me the real deal? Why do I get the second-best?”.
After all, he always told me how generous he was with his ex and how he used to spoil her with only the best.
A bit later we went on holiday together and he asked me to pay ⅔ of the price of the holiday home and food expenses, etc. because I had a tiiiiiny little son who’d surely use up just as many resources as teh two of us did. I did. Of course. Even though I made a fraction of his income… and because I wasn’t that superficial. It’s not about money, it’s really not, right?
Well, these experiences, they stayed with me. They hurt and felt icky in the back of my mind.
A few years later I know why.
No, it really wasn’t about the money at all. It was about respect, being seen and yes, my love language of receiving gifts.
AND it was also about the fact that I treated him way better than he treated me.
I never gave him hand-me-down gifts. I never expected him to take care of me. I spoiled the fuck out of him… aaaand he never reciprocated. Ever.
I expected more for me – even back then when I was riddled with insecurity and a lack of self-esteem.
Today, I know that I’d never stay with someone who doesn’t give as much as I do. Today, I know I’d never stay with someone who thinks of me as second-best. Today, I know that I deserve more than this.
No, it’s not about the value of gifts. I love me some flowers or a trip to the movies. I don’t need super fancy big stuff (although I LOVE the shiny, sparkly, bold things!) to make me feel seen and loved, BUT I expect to be seen as valuable, never second-hand.
Self-respect. Knowing yourself and trusting that your desires are GOOD and worthy is everything. Don’t settle. Don’t go down a spiral of shame and instead voice your desires, be proud of them and wait for the partner who values you the way you value HIM.
What are some of your no-gos when it comes to relationships and dating?
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