Trigger Warning: This post contains references to self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and abuse, which may be distressing to some readers. Please proceed with caution and reach out for support if needed.
I wrote these words a while ago and have been thinking a lot about sharing them. But in the end, my mission since the very first time I talked about my eating disorder and severe depression has been to show what it’s like to live with a mental illness. I am on the other side of the mountain when it comes to these struggles, BUT life after surviving isn’t linear, and healing from trauma might for some take a lifetime.
Today was a day.
And I’ve never thought “Fuck you” to the world more than I did today.
I was contemplating the word “endure” on my endurance (get it?!) run this morning. And for all of my life, one of the things that I can 100% attest to is that I endured.
I endured my brother’s unimaginable physical and verbal attacks. I endured my parents turning a blind eye to the daily beatings. I endured my inner demons telling me to eat less, work out more, be better, study more, be smaller, invisible, disappear. I endured the doubts of those around me when I learned I was pregnant and had just left my husband. I endured.
I didn’t want to. But I did.
I just kept going. But today, not for the first time, I broke down.
Because, you know, sometimes it’s all just too much. And today, the too muchness came crushing over me, Pulling me right into the vastness of the ocean, Longing, hoping, desperately seeking to finally, happily, disappear.
But I can’t. I’m a mom.
I have to continue to endure. One step. And another. And just one more.
You should be so happy, you might say. You have so much in your life, you might say.
And yes, you are so right. I should be happy. I should be giddy, gleeful, full.
But what you see is not what is real.
The big house? Comes with A LOT of nasty strings.
The great job? Comes with A LOT of sacrifices.
The family close by? Comes with…
…I can’t even finish these words.
Today I longed for the peaceful non-existence That I’ve yearned to encounter since the first time I tried to take my own life 20 years ago.
Today I wished, hoped, begged to turn back time, Not having a baby, Not being a mom, And simply being by myself so I could end it all.
Today, I was simply done with the world.
With the people. The nastiness. The being taken advantage of. The loneliness.
And the endless, Endless, Fucking endless, Need to keep going.
Like a machine. I hate it here. And I wish I wasn’t here Anymore.
I hate it here. And I wish, I could turn off the light And let it all go. Just let it go.
I hate it here. And I wish I didn’t exist. Anymore.
I hate it. I really do.
I hate myself, too.
But here I am, still here, writing this, sharing my truth. And maybe, just maybe, there’s a reason for that.
I know there are others out there who feel the same way—who are tired, overwhelmed, and barely holding on. To those who are struggling, I want you to know that you are not alone. Even in the darkest times, there is a spark of hope and a way to keep going.
Here are a few strategies that have helped me and might help you too:
- Embrace Radical Acceptance: Acknowledge the reality of your situation without trying to fight it. Accepting your feelings, as painful as they are, can reduce the suffering they cause. This doesn’t mean you approve of or are resigned to your circumstances, but it helps in managing the emotional toll they take on you.
- Build a Support Network: Actively seek out and create a support system. This could involve joining a support group for parents, survivors of abuse, or people dealing with mental health issues. Engaging with others who understand your experiences can provide a sense of community and lessen feelings of isolation.
- Engage in Grounding Techniques: When the weight of everything feels overwhelming, grounding techniques can help bring you back to the present moment. Try the 5-4-3-2-1 method: name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This can help anchor you and reduce anxiety.
- Establish Boundaries: It’s crucial to set boundaries with those who drain your energy or contribute to your stress. This might mean limiting interactions with certain family members or colleagues and learning to say no without guilt. Protecting your mental space is essential for your well-being.
- Seek Professional Help: Consider finding a therapist who specializes in trauma and resilience. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies. Additionally, medication might be an option if recommended by a healthcare professional.
- Create a Self-Care Routine: Develop a daily self-care routine that includes activities specifically designed to nurture your mental health. This might involve journaling your thoughts, practicing deep-breathing exercises, or taking a few moments each day for quiet reflection.
- Use Affirmations and Positive Self-Talk: Counter negative thoughts with affirmations. Remind yourself of your strengths and achievements, no matter how small they may seem. This can help shift your mindset and build self-esteem over time.
- Find Purpose in Small Acts: Look for meaning in the everyday actions you take, especially in your role as a mother. Small acts of kindness, whether to yourself or others, can create a sense of purpose and contribute to a more positive outlook.
- Engage in Physical Activity: Regular physical activity, even gentle exercises like yoga or walking, can have significant mental health benefits. Exercise releases endorphins, which can improve your mood and provide a natural boost.
- Practice Gratitude: Take a few moments each day to reflect on things you are grateful for. This practice can help shift your focus from what is lacking or challenging to what is positive and fulfilling in your life.
- Start Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful way to process emotions and gain insight into your inner world. Journaling can help you track your progress, identify patterns in your thinking, and release pent-up emotions. Dedicate a few minutes each day to write freely without judgment or editing.
Remember, it’s okay to feel what you feel. Endurance doesn’t mean you have to do it alone, and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. You’re enduring because you have incredible strength within you, and with the right support and strategies, you can find moments of peace and hope even in the midst of struggle.
