The fog is lifting
I am climbing out of my hole

The colors smell like rainbows again
The roses taste the sweetest taste
My skin prickles with excitement
My fingers stretch toward the sun

Automatically
It happens
Without my doing
I arrive

Life is back
I am back

I can feel my body
She is fully mine

Welcome back, old friend!
I’ve missed you and I am sorry

I’ve denied you the right to make me aware
To support me through this time

I’ve shut you down
Have held you at arm’s length
So I could escape my feelings
Could run away
Again

Yeah, it happened
I stopped paying attention
And starting to go down the rabbit hole

Right into the abyss

Slowly at first
Then faster and faster

Falling
Falling
Falling

I couldn’t feel it
Couldn’t locate what was wrong

I was shrinking away from everything outside
Retreating into my own shell

For months
I was gone

Until the pain was too overwhelming
The fear got too much

I had to fall deep again
In order to realize
That life is too precious to leave behind

I wanted to
I sure did

But I am still here
Again

Celebrating life
Feeling joy in the sparkle of your soul

Seeing life with brand-new eyes

I know how it happened
I knew it all along

But I couldn’t change it
Didn’t realize I had to
Didn’t know there was a way out

The despair
The hurt
The overbearing pain

I made it happen
Because of my innermost shame

Not realizing I did
Not really for certain

And yet I really did

Doesn’t make sense, does it?

That’s depression in all her most glorious forms
That’s the way that deep shame takes over
In order to sabotage your life

Here’s the story in short, my truth that I’ve never dared to share
Hoping I wouldn’t have to because I was going to turn it around
Hoping I’d be over all that by that point
But here I am and here we go:

9 years ago when I was in treatment for my eating disorders and depression/suicidal thoughts and tendencies, I was put on antidepressants.

9 years later, recovered from my eating disorders, healed from a lot of trauma (though not nearly all of it), my depression comes and goes, my antidepressants have been a stable throughout this time.

Except when they haven’t been because I stopped taking them.

The shame
Oh the shame.

Friends who told me that taking antidepressants is wrong
My own voice making sure I believed that as long as I was on meds I wasn’t worthy of reaching my goals
Even my ex-boyfriends who told me I was weak and that taking antidepressants made me less of a human, less of a woman, less of a person who is allowed to breathe in the beauty of life.

The judgments that people make.

They got to me.
Cut right through my core.

Made me be irresponsible with my health.
Made me skip some pills here,
Stop taking them there.

Oh the pain I’ve inflected on my son.
By not taking care of my mental health,
By not giving the wounds in my brain the support they needed in order to survive, let alone thrive.

Being negligent
Thinking I could outsmart my pain.

Yeah, right.
It didn’t work.

Instead, it made me sick.
Again.

Crushing down
Deeper and deeper
Into an void that took my sanity
That took my desire to have a life.

I missed my son
But couldn’t connect
I missed my work
But couldn’t deliver
I missed my health
But couldn’t break through the infinite darkness that took over my mind

The fog that claimed all sparkles and light.

It’s hard to explain
To put into words

All I know is that I woke up again
I saw what I had done again

I started to unravel
What needed to be done

Simply take the pills
For your life to feel real again

Take the pills
For your body to be able to breathe again

Take the pills
For your brain to function again

Take the pills
So you won’t lose your life and hurt your son

I’ve stumbled but I am back on track
I’m here to stay

And no matter what others say: I know that antidepressants are saving my life.

I’m doing the work, have been doing it for almost a decade.
I’ve gone into the darkest places that still live inside.
I will not stop growing, evolving, healing and hoping.

And yet, I am done with feeling the shame!
Antidepressants are saving my life.
Without them I am empty.
Without them I am lost.
Without them I am. Not.

One day – maybe – I will wake up to this beautiful life and go through my day without having to rely on medication,

But today is not that day.

And I am grateful. So grateful that there is a way for me to stay alive, to be here, fully, being me, myself and I.

I am grateful for every pill.

I am grateful for this one incredible life.

And I am determined never to take it for granted again.

If you are struggling with the shame of taking medication for illnesses that nobody sees, I get you, I feel your pain in all of my being.

However, and this is important for you to really hear, to really take in, to really get: There is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to apologize for.

Taking medication for your brain health isn’t unspiritual, it doesn’t make you weak or wrong or unworthy of living your best life. In fact, it makes you a strong, powerful and responsible human being who cares for her life, her family, her friends and herSELF. You are doing what you need to do in order to stay alive and that, my love, is the most important and inspiring and awesome commitment you can ever take.

Do the work, yes.

Heal your trauma, yes.

Go to the dark places and move to the light, of course.

AND continue to make sure that your brain stays healthy, balanced and strong.

Life is so glorious and guess what?! We get to share in the fun! We got to experience the joy, the beauty AND the pain.
We get to dance through the rain and stretch towards the stars.

We get to have a chance to fulfill our dreams and partake in the pleasure of mundane moments in every day life.

Nothing can stop us – not even our self-sabotaging tendencies and our rejection of Self.

Go, chase your dreams. Make them happen and have some epic FUN!

PS: Is your heart tugging at you, letting you know that it’s time to step up and shine fiercely?

There’s no better time than today to start loving yourself. The longer you wait, the more of your life you’re missing out on and you know, deep down, that it could be so much better for you. And that it should be better and you’re ready to start that change now.

Book your discovery session with me here. Your life is worth it.