It’s the eve of Johann’s 3rd birthday and I have been mush all day long.
I’m the annoying mom who remembers all the details of giving birth, all the feelings, all the fun and all pain.
I’m the mom who looks at her son and cannot in the life of her believe that this is happening, that he is turning 3. How in the world did that happen?
How did he get so big and where in the world has the time gone.
He was just this tiny little thing in my arms.
He was just beginning to crawl.
He was just this bubbly little baby.
And now-
he’s this cheeky little bastard who picks up new crap in daycare every day.
And I mean that in the most loving way I can.
He points out soccer balls and screams: Paw Patrol! Something I have never in my entire life heard of yet he knows what this is. How?
How in the world did he get to be so big?
How did time pass by so fast?
I feel like you’re in a capsule when you’re a mom (or parent, but I can’t speak for dads – obviously):
time runs
and it’s so freaking slow.
You live in your own world,
not really aware of what’s going on outisde.
At least not like you used to.
At least not like in the past.
The time before-
before not knowing what it’s like to not feel guilty when you spend time on your own –
before not knowing what it’s like to sleep in on a Sunday morning –
before not knowing what it’s like to get a hug from your own child.
The time before-
everything.
Life certainly was easier 3 years ago.
Well, maybe not exactly at this moment 3 years ago,
but in general.
It was easier.
I had more freedom.
And I was lost.
Now, life is full.
It’s complicated.
And it’s hard at times.
The guilt, the doubts, the many moments of feeling insecure and like you’re never going to measure up. Ever.
Looking at other moms and how good they have it.
Looking at dads picking up their children from daycare, Johann’s friends having a father to go home to.
It hurts.
And yet, he’s got us.
This amazing, insane, loud family.
He’s got his Omi – without whom the world would stop turning.
He’s got his Opa – teaching him stuff he shouldn’t know.
He’s got his Valli – teaching him even worse things.
He’s got his great cousins (??? or great-aunts and -uncles?) – loving him up whenever they see him.
He had his Magdalena.
He’s got his Renin and Kurt.
His Steffi.
His Mimama.
And he’s got me.
Forever and ever.
And – sometimes it’s the only thing keeping me going –
I’ve got HIM.
My love.
My light.
My biggest annoyance.
My little tiger.
My crazy monster chaser.
My spider man.
My police man.
My fire fighter.
My snorer.
My “no no no no no NO”.
My little binky.
This little man means the world to me and to think he’s been here for 3 years feels unreal and not enough at the same time.
It’s thriling to see him grow up and change all the time.
And it’s terrifying as fuck.
Because time doesn’t stop.
And he won’t stop growing.
Won’t stop changing.
Won’t stop exploring everything all the time.
Almost like our bodies, huh?!
Couldn’t resist.
Happy almost birthday, Johann.
I’ll forever try to do good by you –
even if I fail a lot.
I am doing what I am doing for you and your generation.
I am doing what I am doing to hopefully make this world a great place to live in for the rest of your life and beyond.
I am doing what I am doing so you have a future you can look forward to.
Even if you have to take a backseat a lot because mommy has to work.
Even if I am not always around when you want me to.
Even if I am not going to be able to give you everything you ever need.
I am always, always, always doing what I am doing for YOU.
And a bit for my conscience too. 😉
I love you to the moon and back and a million times over,
my little crazy man.
<3
