As I am sitting here, having my now regular breakfast of bread with Nutella, I thought about how the many ways in which my life has changed in the last year.
Despite the obvious changes (the weight gain, the stopping of the ridiculous amount of hours I spend working out, the beginning of personal freedom), I noticed hundreds of smaller, but not less important differences.
I have viewed all of them as guilty pleasures in the past. Things that I did every once in a while, however, always with a bad feeling and the intention to punish myself later.
Chances are, you know exactly what I am taking about. Chances are that you are reading this and don’t even have an eating disorder, but deny yourself pleasures because of society’s stigma to them.
Or you have set your standards for yourself so high that you label certain foods, activities or characteristics almost as shameful. You engage in them from time to time, but always with a very, very guilty conscience.
The notion of guilty pleasures goes against my chore belief of personal freedom. I will never understand the reasoning behind marking something you truly enjoy as a something condemnable. I know why my eating disorder did that, but I certainly don’t understand why a healthy mind would follow that example?
Enlighten me, please.
Shouldn’t we live life to the fullest, meaning to marvel at the miracles of aromas, the riveting variety of food and the sheer endless possibilities of expressing emotions and love?
As I am making huge steps forward, I am letting the invisible, yet constantly reprimanding coat of disapproval behind. Every day, I am able to delight more in those pleasures that I refuse to label as guilty ones ever again.
Here are my 5 most favorite ones.
1. My perception
When I was deeply anorexic, I hardly noticed my surroundings. My mom often joked that you could put a vase with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers right in front of me and I would never notice it.
And she was right. My thoughts were so occupied by Annerexia that there was no room for the beauty of the world. And even if I did notice it, my inner voice would send a splash of guilt over me for acknowledging it, but reflecting it with an inner world of black and grey.
That has changed dramatically. Now, I walk around with my eyes and mind wide open. I am in awe of this miraculous creation called earth. I am filled with amazement of nature with all its little and big wonders, all the colors, shapes and variations.
It is as if I am walking around a completely changed world. And the best part is that I can match what I see with an inner world that is just as colorful and fun.
2. Nutella
I have never kept quiet about the fact that I love, love, love, love, LOVE this delicious hazelnut spread. Yet, for so many years my eating disorder would not allow me to taste the breakfast delight that can hardly be put into words. When I disobeyed my eating disorder, I had to purge or diet even more rigorously.
Not anymore. My kitchen will never be without a jar of it again and my heart will never have to yearn for that bite of fresh bread with lovingly and thickly spread Nutella again.
3. Yoga
One of the many treasures of my recovery journey was the letting go of the crazy exercising program and the addition of the life-altering yoga. I remember walking into my first yoga class, excited, a bit nervous though, because I hadn’t been working out during my stay at the treatment facility. I needn’t have worried.
After a few minutes of bending, stretching and trying to get into funny-looking positions, I was in love and hooked. I felt my body in ways that I had never before. Over the last 6 months, I started to appreciate my body for its strength and its ability to learn and grow.
Yoga taught me that I need to take care of my body for it is my temple. Yoga brought me closer to myself and through Yoga, I began the journey of loving the body I was born with.
4. Time with my husband
When I got to know my husband, I was always on the go, was always doing something. I could hardly sit down with him for longer than a few minutes without being restless.
Don’t get me wrong, it was not that I was not enjoying his company, quite on the contrary, but my inner sergeant wouldn’t allow me to relax. Additionally, I was so detached from myself that the real me was hardly present in those moments.
Now, that I am much more balanced, I cherish the Sundays, when we sit on the couch reading, talking or simply cuddling. I don’t have to feel guilty anymore about missing a workout or not knowing what is going on on twitter or in anybody else’s life. In those moments, I am serene enough just to be me and to be with the most important person in my life.
5. Vegetables
What? You were anorexic and vegetables were a guilty pleasure? Yes, that is quite right. During my anorexic years (and probably before), I only ate vegetables on certain days. Otherwise, I would tell myself it was better not to add any calories to my scarce meals (mostly tasteless instant soups) because of them.
Yet, when my husband and I started cooking together as a form of spending more time with each other and to help me get a bit more comfortable with food, I started to experiment with vegetables again (only as a side, not as a dinner, of course) and I discovered so many different kinds of taste and aromas that it is hard to stop trying new ones.
I cannot believe that I deprived my taste buds from so many delights for all my life. But I am making it more than up by trying new meals and adding exotic ingredients to them. A whole meal, who would have thought that I would ever be able to think of, prepare and even eat it?!
Those pleasures enrich my life in ways that I am hardly able to describe. It is like adding a dash of color and some action to a triste still black and white painting.
What are your pleasures that you once felt guilty about? Leave your comment below, I am excited to hear about the ways you were able to break free!
