When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Mark Twain
We made it.
We may have gone mad.
But we made it.
Another trip around the sun,
another year behind us,
365 sunrises that gave us a brand new chance to be who we’ve always wanted to be.
We’ve lived through experiences that marked us,
moments that hurt,
times that brought us so much joy
that we felt lightheaded and strong
at the same time.
Our hearts opened,
our souls soared,
more bodies were liberated,
and claimed as our own.
Many victories,
some losses,
innumerable moments of doubt.
But we persevered, we did, didn’t we?
And we’re still here.
2018 is almost gone, time to share my my top 10 experiences of 2018:
1. Being Johann’s mommy
I am grateful for all of the moments I had with him: the challenging ones, the ones I totally f**cked up, the ones that where so filled with love and pride that I was about to burst.
He’s grown. Man, how much he’s grown. He’s more and more independent now, plays soccer, goes to gymnastics, and loves his music lessons.
He loves to dress up as any kind of superhero there is and he’s got an imagination that goes beyond anything I’ve seen. He’s funny and he’s kind. He’s stubborn AF and every day is an adventure, but such is motherhood and although I found this year more challenging than the years before, I am loving it.
He’s a happy child and he’s the center of my world.
2. Falling in love
After 2 years of dating, I had given up on finding a guy who wouldn’t treat me like shit. And then my boyfriend showed up. Just when I had surrendered to being OK with being single and living my life without needing that “extra male energy”.
We’ve deep pretty fast and we’ve hit a few roadblocks for sure. Dating when 3 children are involved isn’t as simple as it could be otherwise. But we’ve made it through all of these challenges and I’m excited to see what the next year has in store for the two of us.
What I know for sure – a thing I didn’t know when I was married – is that I will not give up my truth, my soul for any guy. And that certainty is making this relationship so much more rewarding.
3. Deb’s visit
It was a dream come true to have Deb here and it was so cool to show her my home. Meeting Deb in real life was a natural and smooth continuation of our friendship that has grown so deep over the past 4 years.
We recorded a podcast episode about Deb’s visit. You can check it out here.
4. Being part of a local Yoga/Mastermind Group
Opening up to a group of German women was life-changing on so many levels. I’ve been part of a few mastermind groups now, but it’s always been either in the US or online – with English-speaking peeps.
It was so healing to be accepted by this powerful and completely diverse group of strangers who grew into a tight community after only a couple of meetings. We cried together, laughed together, held each other and lifted each other to new heights. And I mended a part of my heart that thought I’d never fit in with people from my home country.
5. The Beyonce/Taylor Swift concerts
I. Love. Music. And I love Taylor and Beyonce. Both concerts blew me away; for totally different reasons. Both concerts were a treat I gave myself for all the hard, hard work I am doing (and yes, I am owning that!) and both of them were whirlwind road trips that left me exhausted, but super happy.
6. 👩🍳🧁🥘🍚🍪
I rediscovered my joy for cooking and baking and spent many hours in the kitchen. I loooved every successful and not-so-successful meal and have widened my taste of foods quite a bit. I’ve always known I was a proper housewife at heart. 😛
7. Giving up diet soda
It’s been almost 4 months since I had my last glas of diet soda and I don’t miss it one bit. It’s not even in my mind anymore. And that is SUCH a strange thing to write as diet soda has been such a stable in my life forever and ever.
It was my crutch, my “treat”, the one thing I looked forward to after a long day and as much as I thought about giving it up for years, I couldn’t imagine living without it.
And yet, one Sunday afternoon, I didn’t want it anymore. I’d had enough and so I stopped. Just like that.
The first few days were haaaaard, not because of the actual diet soda, but because of the memories, the habit, the thoughts and feelings I attached to knowing that I could always rely on the “kick” my diet soda provided me. And then those hard moments fainted and now I don’t think about it anymore at all.
Just to add: I am not shaming anyone who’s drinking diet soda. Not at all. It just didn’t work for me anymore as it was a habit that didn’t feel right.
8. Every single coaching session
I feel so privileged and honored to work with women who are deeply committed to change and healing. Every single coaching session teaches me so much about our common humanity, our gentleness, compassion and our shadow sides.
I’ve opened up my practice locally too and it’s another new experience to work with women face-to-face; one that I cherish and that’s allowed me to grow as a person and coach in a hundred new ways.
Every time a client “gets” it and really sees her Feminine power, her potential, her innate worthiness, I could cry and cheer at the same time. It’s SO COOL to witness women break free from their own diet prison and body/food/weight shaming background and finally rediscover who they’ve always known they could be. Every single breakthrough is hard earned and changes the intricate workings of this world.
9. Johann’s christening
Johann’s christening was super special and beautiful. I was so moved and I am beyond happy to know that Johann is so very loved.
It was a special service outside – at the cabin Johann and I have passed hundreds of times during our walks. It really felt like the perfect location
I’m glad I waited until this year, so that he was able to get what was happening. Plus, it was his decision to be baptized.
10. I bought a new car
After way too many years without air-conditioning, I FINALLY got a new car. Spending so much money on something that only loses value over time hurt, I’m not going to lie.
I’ve invested big sums of money in the past, but it was always for GROWTH, this one was for comfort and it didn’t sit “well” with me. I had to really challenge my money mindset and allow myself to uplevel my life in this area.
The Challenges
My biggest challenge this year was to balance work, Johann, the addition of my boyfriend and my own needs.
I am still working on not feeling guilty whenever I can’t be there for Johann because of work. It’s a constant tug in my heart and I am learning to be more and more compassionate with myself knowing that I am only one person and that I can’t be in two different places at the same time. I am giving Johann what I can and because I am faaaaaaar from being a perfect mom (especially the last few months have been HARD), I hope that my love for him makes up for my shortcomings.
I’ve not been traveling as much as my heart is longing for. I miss going to conferences and meeting like-minded people from all over the world. I’ve had many moments of feeling like I was not on the edge of my profession anymore because of the conferences I’ve missed out on, but those are just lies I am telling myself as learning is one of my core principles and habits. Sure, it would be nice to attend a convention, but Johann is the priority now and thus, it has to wait.
My coaching practice was struggling at the beginning of the year, but it’s blossomed again and is now thriving like never before. The lesson I learned is to never ever give up and persevere especially when times are hard and you feel hopeless and uncertain.
Also, always listen to YOUR heart and don’t let others talk you into things that just don’t feel right. It’ll always backfire and cause you more heartbreak than joy.
How my relationship with my body developed
My relationship with food and my body is now just naturally ebbing and flowing. I give my body what she needs and desires, I move her in ways that are super fun. I eat more on days I need more, less on days my body doesn’t seem to need as much. I listen, I notice, I act accordingly.
I notice how my freedom increases every year and how much deeper my respect for my body goes as I live my every day normal life without finding a reason to fight my hunger or shame myself for my weight. I just LIVE and my body is part of my life.
There are some issues that have stuck around like having difficulties with my digestion when I’m traveling. I used to think that I was doing something wrong but now I am just accepting it as part of me; something to be sensitive about, but not something that inhibits me from traveling or eating what I want on those trips.
I’ve witnessed yet again how in summer my body expands without me doing anything differently, but my body’s metabolism adapts to her needs during the hotter months of the year. It’s counterintuitive, but it’s my body’s way of being. And again, I let her do her thing. I don’t interfere with dieting or other crazy weight loss schemes. I just allow it happen. Radical, right? 😜
I get little reminders here and there of how things used to be years ago and it blows me away every time to feel how much my life has changed as a result of choosing healing over the diet misery. I’ll forever be grateful for the life I get to live now, a life that I built for myself from the ground up.
My word for 2019: Deepening.
I look forward to deepening my experience of life, my relationships, my everyday moments, my coaching sessions, my downtime, my mission, my HAES work, my own self-care and my writing.
Most of all, though, I am open to experiencing whatever life has in store for me, for us. I will embrace whatever happens, I will do my best to change this world for the better and I will not stop using my voice in the realm of Health at Every Size and Body Respect.
There’s a lot more work to do. We’re just now getting started.
Here’s to more hearts opening,
to more souls soaring,
to more bodies being liberated,
and claimed as our own.
Here’s to YOU finding freedom from Diet Prison and living the life you’ve always wanted to live.
