On the last day of the series, Christel van Gelder shares how being diagnosed with Hasmimoto’s disease messed up her weight and body image and how she learned to listen to her body’s needs and honor it again.
Growing up, how did you feel about your body?
I never had a problem with my body when I was younger, that came rather late for me. I think in the 70’s we were not that interested as kids, we were allowed to be kids.
I did hear my mom going on about how she needed to diet, and how she couldn’t eat this or that. In truth, she was never fat and now at 76 is quite thin. So, I grew up hearing about it, but not applying it to my own body.
This weird idea of me being fat came later, around 18-19. And I can tell you I wasn’t fat at all at the time.
When did your body image struggles start?
They started around 18-19 and perhaps even later. I gained a bit of weight when using the pill, but noting drastic. I am 1.74 tall and at the time I weighed around 60 kilos. With the pill I gained two or three kilos, which was nothing, but the number made me scream in my mind. I guess that’s when it really started. The feeling fat. This feeling became intensified when I met my then husband, and especially his mother and sister.
They were constantly going on about how they could not eat, about how they had to lose weight. And I felt judged by them, because I didn’t diet at all, ate whatever I wanted. Was not fat at all, but still in my mind I felt less than them, and not accepted. Not good enough.
So I started comparing my body with my sister-in-law’s. Who had a totally different build. I had curves, while she was “straighter”. And as she went on about how fat she was—which she totally wasn’t—I interpreted that as : “You are fat, you are not good enough.” Of course that was all in my head!
What bothered you most about your body?
My thighs and hips. I have a narrow waste and upper body, but my legs can make me look heavier than I am.
After I had my first son I did not lose weight, on the contrary I started to gain. But with second pregnancy I dropped all the pounds in the first three months. After I had my second son, I was diagnosed with Hasmimoto’s disease, a thyroid disorder. I had a multi-nodular goiter and became hypothyroid: fatigued and gained weight easily.
I continued with the image of being fat in my mind, but when I see pics now, it isn’t the case. Hashi’s can make you hypo, but also has periods where you become hyperthyroid. Then I would all of a sudden for no reason at all lose a lot of weight.
I struggled with a lot of stress in my marriage and my husband was a narcissist, so whatever I felt was discarded as being a poser or drama queen. I never felt good in my body, until I decided I had to leave him. I shed weight like there was no tomorrow and ended up underweight.
Not by dieting, but I think it was a constant adrenaline rush I had ( fight-flight). For the first time however, weighing 56 kilo’s , I didn’t have the fat image anymore. I felt good, I felt thin. I liked my body. When I see pictures of that period now, I do like my body, but my face has that stressed, haunted look and I actually look old and worn.
After my divorce I remarried and my body gave up on my after all the stress I had been going through for years. I had my thyroid removed and then I became really sick. My body filled up like a balloon. It was more water retention than anything else, but it made me feel dreadful to look at. Also I did not feel well, could hardly move, was constantly out of breath.
I did not want to go out the door anymore. I felt deeply ashamed and felt the need to tell people it was my thyroid and not me binge eating McDonalds from morning till evening. At a certain point, I weighed 90 kilos. I cried bitter tears for days. I did not recognize my body anymore. This was not my shape, not my tissue.
Then I found a protocol that helped me, a way of treating and using medication to substitute the thyroid hormones, and at the same time supported the adrenals, which had take a real battering with all the stress. That was in 2012. From then on I got better . The weight and the bloating started to go down.
Now I feel well overall. I have loads of energy, and my weight is nearly at it’s perfect balance. I found some other underlying hormonal issues that had to be dealt with, such as estrogen dominance, blood sugar imbalances. When one hormone goes out of balance the rest follow suit.
I also know that if I am not obsessing with my body, it feels better and “rewards” me with feeling less heavy, losing more weight. Being kind to my body and myself has that effect. Disconnecting from the need of being a certain weight, a certain shape also has had a great impact for the better.
My issue is not as much with how my body looks overall, as it is with weight, real or imagined.
I never use scales again, and will never do so. I just know when I feel “light” or heavy. When I need to tinker with my medication supplements, vitamins.
I use my clothes as a way to measure. I also know that sometimes the bloating is just water retention and that will go away after a few days, using Himalayan Sea salt I water in the mornings. I know very well when my body is “off” and when I am great. I know which things help me and which not.
So, in a way my thyroidectomy turned out to be a great tool for listening to what my body wants and when.
What was the moment you knew you had to change something about your body image?
It was when I was very sick after my thyroidectomy. I knew I had to get healthy or at least better, before anything would change in my body again. So I knew it would take time, patience and experimenting, learning from my part.
I also felt that my obsession with it and with getting better was actually blocking me getting better. So I decided to loosen up and release all the attachment and tension. That’s when things shifted for real, and my slow but steady weight loss started.
In retrospect I realize now that I never was fat until after my thyroidectomy.
It was bad, as I did not recognize my own body. It’s shape, its touch. It felt totally alien to me.
So each time I got better and shed some more weight, I really loved it, appreciated it and felt so much better. I started to love my body because it was getting better, even though it was still not where it needed to be. But I did no longer scold it and savored each loss of weight however small it was.
And I no longer obsess. After weight loss, I usually plateau for a few month, and then all of a sudden I start shedding some more. I accept that now.
What helped you most during your healing journey?
I have to say, what helped me was trust that I would find out what worked for me and what not. Trust and patience. Don’t underestimate patience!!
What lessons did you learn along the way? How do you feel about your body now?
As I said, letting go of the obsession around what people would think of me, fixating on all the things that were wrong and shifting focus to the little steps and achievements I did have, had an enormous impact.
I also have no patience anymore for people who talk constantly about weight and dieting or gym. I don’t work out, other than irregular yoga).
What’s one tip you can give readers to finally feel at home in their body?
Be kind! Don’t obsess. Approve of yourself. If you look to be approved of by others you’ll never get there. {Click to Tweet}
Christel is a Martha Beck Certified Life Coach, Mom of 2 sons, 6 dogs and 2 cats. Elephant Aficionada. She believes in Timings and Taking Tiny Steps. She learned that it’s never too late to start to over. And that life is full of Glitter if you let it!
Check out her website Take a Chance. Make a Choice. Create a Change.
Send her an email at christel@3chlifecoaching.com, follow her on twitter @3chlifecoaching, Facebook at facebook.com/3chlifecoaching and Pinterest at pinterest.com/3chlifecoaching.
