It’s day 3 of the tour and I’m thrilled to share Cathy’s post about feeling disconnected and uncomfortable from her body and finding her way back to herself.
Growing up, how did you feel about your body?
I felt disconnected. I was very much a kid who lived in my mind and my imagination.
When did your body image struggles start?
I don’t ever remember feeling comfortable in my body. I don’t ever remember (even as a very little girl) feeling comfortable expressing “negative” emotions, like anger or sadness. I was comfortable with being the “smart kid” in school, and that was about it.
What bothered you most about your body?
I tried not to think about it. I avoided looking in the mirror. When I would see photographs of myself, or try on clothes (and they didn’t fit), I would feel sinking despair about being too fat. I just felt I took up too much space. I physically got bigger, while I tried to stay small socially, and not bother anyone. In my next life I would like to be someone who “makes a scene.”
What was the moment you knew you had to change something about your body image?
I didn’t set out to change it intentionally. I knew I had to lose weight when at age 42 I found myself obese, and starting to experience physical weight-related problems.
My body was getting too loud for me to ignore. {Click to Tweet}
After I lost about 40 lbs, I realized I was keeping myself busy at all costs, to avoid self-reflection. When I finally did force myself to simply be, I realized how I had never really liked myself. I could say I never liked my body, but that is a metaphor for “me.” I could not like my body without liking me, and vice versa.
I had allowed my body to reflect my perception of myself. This is unrelated to weight charts. I am technically overweight right now, but I like me, I like my body, and I like how I look. Every day. Self hatred is so insidious, you might not even know you had it, until it is gone.
What helped you most during your healing journey?
I love social media. Posting on Facebook and Blogging were an important resource for me.
What lessons did you learn along the way?
You are never really “done”. Every day you have to wake up and make the decision: Emerge and be in the world, or hide. {Click to Tweet}
There are a hundred ways to hide (numbing out with food is one), but only one way to live. And that is right now.
How do you feel about your body now?
I honestly feel good every day, and very confident in my body. I like looking in the mirror. I like most photos of myself. I enjoy buying clothes. I wear a bikini in public – at age 22 I weighed 40 lbs less than I do now, and I thought I looked “fat” in a bikini.
I have gained some weight over the winter, and I don’t feel as good physically as I did last summer, but when I look at myself I feel positive. If I have a negative thought about my body, I know to look deeper, because the source of negativity is not my body.
What’s one tip you can give readers to finally feel at home in their body?
Your mind can lie to you, but your body never will. Listen for the message.
I am 47 years old, and still figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. I grew up in Pennsylvania, and ended up in Louisiana for graduate school, where I studied Native American Linguistics, did field work In Mexico, and received a PhD. I grew tired of having no cash, and jumped on the 90’s IT boom, transitioning to software development.
Twenty years later I am back in PA, still working in IT (specializing in digital data strategy). Life. It’s always something. My oldest son suffered trGrowing up, how did you feel about your body?aumatic brain injury at birth, and subsequent developmental delays. I worked part time for several years to home school him, and while struggling with repeated massive ego death, I somehow stumbled across the work of Martha Beck. It was like diving into deep cool water on a sizzling summer day.
I completed the Martha Beck Life Coach Training, and while I do not currently formally coach, I remain tied into the life coaching community. I believe that unbelieving all I thought was true is the first step to happiness. I believe that (almost) anything is possible. I love Martha Beck’s quote (from the 2014 MBI Summit) “You don’t have to stay in this story.” We are all writing our story every day, right this very moment.
Find Cathy on Facebook (facebook.com/birchgirl and facebook.com/pages/Who-Says/669671933089937) and check out her blog.
