There’s a black hole in my belly.
A huge, see-through black vessel that is affecting everything:
my days
my feelings
my outlook on life.
There’s a black hole in my belly.
It’s been there for as long as I can remember.
For as long as I’ve been.
It’s not going anywhere.
I won’t let it.
It won’t let me.
Go. Away.
This black hole.
It’s telling me what can and can’t be done.
What will and won’t be done.
And it’s saying that none of my dreams will come true.
Ever.
This black hole that is there to remind me of my hungers.
My true hungers.
Those never-ending desires that’ll never be satisfied.
Because it just won’t happen to me.
No matter what I do.
No matter what I’ve done.
And it won’t erase itself until it erupts.
Into a sea of energy that flows through my entire body,
touching every cell, every organ, every part of me.
Do you have a black hole?
A feeling in the pit of your stomach that reminds you that you’re not good enough?
That you’ll never have what you want, experience what you desire?
A knowing, a sense that nothing will work out the way you want it work out?
That black hole stayed with me for a long, long time.
It was there when I tried to escape my depression, when it tried to graduate from high school after dropping out, when I started my many attempts to go to university without falling back into the arms of my many eating disorders.
That black hole was part of the reason I binged – I wanted to fill my belly, so that I couldn’t feel that sense of loss anymore.
That black hole was part of the reason I restricted – if I didn’t have energy, it would sometimes just disappear for a while.
But it always came back.
As a reminder that I just wasn’t good enough to live life to the fullest.
And it was all a lie.
A concept I had created for myself to stay stuck in misery.
It was the part of me that just didn’t want to change –
felt like it wasn’t going to work out anyway.
That black hole represented all of my fears, all of my disappointments, this entire world of sadness that used to inhabit my life.
I let it go.
I just let it go.
And my life changed in ways I cannot even begin to describe.
Of course I’ve tried to describe it for years, and I’m living proof of what can happen.
Do you believe that you can have that too?
That you deserve more than misery?
That you can have more than that?
Can you see it for yourself?
Can you sense that there is another way of existing? Of actually living?
If you can’t see it, you won’t create it.
You’ll need to envision it, see that future of hope and joy in your mind’s eye in order to make it come true.
That is part of what we’re doing in the 365 Journaling Prompts program. We begin to release our black holes. We begin to create hope and we write our future – the future that our hearts want – into reality.
You can still save $30 if you join the program now.
Take the leap. Give yourself this chance to embrace a life where you know you’re enough, where you’re living proof of how much a person can transform their life, their experience of the body and their relationship with food.
*Photo: dailygalaxy.com
