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I want to start with a story.
When I was deeply eating disordered, I mean in my darkest phase, I was abusing laxatives.
For those of you who don’t know, abusing laxatives is believed to help you control your weight and counteract any physical effects of binging. However, this is completely untrue. If you take too many of them, they’ll destroy your colon and bowel movement doesn’t work on its own anymore. [Believe me, I know that this is true!]
But I bought into this lie and for years, I was abusing them in numbers that make me want to vomit just thinking about it now.
Since I wasn’t working full-time (I was a kid after all), I didn’t have the money to buy these enormous amounts, but my mom was a pharmacist.
Do you see where this is going?
Well, I was stealing from my mom for years. I was obsessed. I was addicted and I stole over and over and over again.
When I came clean two years ago, admitting to my laxative abuse was one of the most terrifying things I ever had to do. I was ashamed, I was petrified of being judged and I was scared of losing my family.
I hated myself. I had lied to everyone – my therapist, my husband, my mommy, my sister, myself.
Why am I telling you this? Well, two years later, I’ve forgiven myself. I’ve moved on. I’ve let it go.
And I’ve never felt freer.
The same can be true for you too. You can let go of your wrongdoings and you can move on.
Here are 7 steps that guide you along this journey.
- Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning what happened.
Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean you’re saying it was right for doing what it is you’ve done. Forgiveness means moving on from that situation and realizing that you can’t do anything about it anymore. Forgiveness means making peace with that situation or your actions. It’s an important act of moving forward and releasing yourself from the past. It’s a way of protecting your health and general well-being, but it’s not a justification for the things you’ve done wrong. - Don’t push your negative emotions – the pain, the anger, the sorrow, the fear – away, but sit with them, soak them in.
Feeling is important – both negative feelings and positive ones. By allowing yourself to feel the negative emotions, you’re allowing yourself to start a healing process. - Write a letter of forgiveness to the person you’ve done wrong.
You don’t have to send it. This is for you. - Try to not give a fuck about what others think.
Often times, we hold on to our wrongdoings because we’re scared of the reactions of neighbors, family, friends when they see that we’ve moved on and have made peace with our past selves. But who are they to hold us in a dark place? - Have you forgiven others before?
If you have, dig deep and see what it was that you’ve done to forgive others. Then point these tools in your direction. - See your experience with gratitude.
Maybe something positive has come out of your experience. For me, it was a more open and honest relationship with my mom and with myself. It was a deeper understanding of my values and my strength. What’s your light in the darkness? What positive lesson can you draw from your actions? - Stop punishing yourself: you are worth more than that.
We are all human. We are not perfect and we all make mistakes.
Write a letter of forgiveness to yourself. You can start by telling yourself what a fuck-up you are, but in the end, tell yourself over and over again that you forgive yourself.
See forgiveness as a journey, not a destination. It won’t make CLICK and you’ll have forgiven yourself. Sometimes times heals, sometimes distance heals. Find out what it is that heals you, but don’t expect that forgiveness will be here by the end of this day.
Use these seven tools whenever it feels like the beating yourself up part has you in a headlock again.
Remember that self-forgiveness allows you to live in the present instead of the past. It enables you to move into the future with a renewed sense of purpose! You’ll be able to focus on change, improvement and building on your experiences rather than being held back by past self.
Resources I mentioned:
Write Your Way to Body Love
https://www.annesophie.us/write-your-way-to-body-love/
Gratitude 365
http://gratitude365app.com/
It’s hard to forgive other people if you don’t start with yourself. And if you don’t forgive others, they have a negative hold on you forever. It’s a difficult but valuable lesson to learn. Thanks for sharing your story!
This is 100% true, Joanne. You always, always have to start with yourself. It is difficult, it sucks and hurts, but if you do the work, the rewards will be simply amazing. Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your truth with us. <3
This is stellar. Keep it up. You’re going places. The world needs you NOW!
Thank you for being my cheerleader, Tess. <3
Wonderfully open and honest post – you are such an inspiration Anne-Sophie. And I know you’re helping so many who are still struggling today. You bless our world.
Love Elle
xoxo
THANK YOU, Elle. I really hope you’re right and that my words and my being open helps those who need to hear this message. I always appreciate your comments.
A magnificent ‘heart’ piece that so captures the experience that each of us goes through with our own shame. My favorite strategy of not pushing the negative feelings away but letting them sink in is a critical one. In our world today of eschewing negative thinking, we forget that it is important to let them have their ‘say’ before moving on. Thanks for a rich post Anne-Sophie. 🙂 Fran
Fran, you’re so right. It’s not easy in today’s world to remember that negative feelings are there for a reason too and that they have a lot to teach us if we let them. I’m so glad to hear that you’re giving yourself the opportunity to feel those emotions.
Thanks for sharing your story! It helps so many others who are struggling with the same or similar issues. So great that you have embraced living in the present moment. It will make all the difference for you. Take care.
Yes, presence is a big one and staying in the moment changes everything. It takes practice, but the more we practice it, the “better” we get at it. It’s all a process.
Forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing, Anne-Sophie. Forgiving others comes easily to me. The seven steps you listed are powerful tips. Thanks, Hugs!
Thank you, Vidya. You have a big, big heart and if you’re able to forgive others easily, you have all the wisdom and all the tools inside already; now you just have to reach out and forgive yourself. You’re deserving of all the forgiveness in the world.
Anne-Sophie,
You went through so much! What great steps to help someone who is feeling the same as you… a powerful post. Gratitude is my favorite tip because giving thanks to the bad things that happen to you can be very healing.
Amen to that, Betsy.